Being sick has its advantages, it gives you time to think

From Grey's Anatomy

The key to surviving a surgical internship is denial. We deny that we're tired. We deny that we're scared. We deny how badly we want to succeed, and, most importantly, we deny that we're in denial. We only see what we want to see, and believe what we want to believe. And it works. We lie to ourselves so much that after awhile, the lies start to seem like the truth. We deny so much that we can't recognise the truth, right in front of our faces

Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us on the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired. We are scared. Denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later, we have to put aside our denial and face the world, head on, guns blazing. Denial. It's not just a river in Egypt. It's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

In the past I've always tried to convince myself that everything is ok, that one more little push is what will make things go better and fix everything. What makes this sad is that there are times when I know that it won't... if nothing else, it'll make things worse.

I was reviewing the goals and objectives I set with Beverly several months ago and I realized that it's all been a big self denial game. I wasn't happy about the idea of moving, that's why I moved on the assumptions that it was going to be temporary. Then I decided I was scared of getting into another competition for employment (particularly after I didn't get the job I had originally applied for when I moved to Chico) so I rationalized it as wanting to stay and ground myself in a place eventhough I had considered the job to be temporary... the contradictions start piling up to the point where I don't know where am I or why am I doing what I'm doing

It's also making me think about the people in my life who got the short end of my ambitions. Those people whom I wanted to have close by but who by some reason just left or, more appropriately, I let go.

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

The latest event in life makes me wonder if I'm not better off single 🙂 (and that's all he wrote about that)