Fear, anger and other assorted things

Fear

I realized today one very important thing.... I'm scared of not making it to UGA. As I was walking from the GRE prep class I realized that I'm so weak on the Math side of the GRE that I'm not confident if I can make it or not.

Intellectually I know that there is no reason to be scared/afraid of not making it. There are always other opportunities and other schools to apply to if I don't make it... I may even apply for the HW job that I was looking at; assuming that they still have it open by the time I decide to take it.

Intellectually I also know the at the reason I have for being scared is not really a valid one. I no longer have the reason for a "zero defect" behavior. Ever since I was in junior high I've had to prove that I earned things that were given to me because I did it not because of my mom

Consciously or not I've carried that attitude with me ever since. It's helped when I needed to prove myself but when I'm on the emotional wire that I was in last couple weeks, the strength becomes a weakness

Anger

I'm still struggling to understand last week. It pisses me off to have people like that who think that they deserve special treatment and who resent it when they are treated gruffly because they deserve it?

I can understand, to a point, that I wasn't acting in a professional manner, I'll give you that. But it was taken way the hell out of proportion and mud was slung all around as a result.... between slinging mud back and just backing off

Other assorted things

Urgency

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything -- all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

...

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don't want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life's change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new. Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. --Don't be trapped by dogma -- which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

Steve Jobs' Stanford Commencement Address

"The only certainty we all have is that one day we are going to die". I remember hearing that over and over from some of my friends.

Reading the extract above I have to keep asking myself if there is anything I can change to make things better. It's always easier to change yourself than it is to change others but how much of that change is really coping and how much is it an honest attempt at making things better?

I decided not to settle. There is too many things that I want to do and I can't because I've hit the ceeling where I am now. I'm getting restless and starting to feel like it's time to move on to something else.... When I first moved to where I'm at now


Thinking

My friends keep telling me:
Hey, life will go on
Time will make sure will get over you
This silly game of love you play you win only to lose

Spending my time -- Roxette

 


Listening:

  • REM (Find the river, Shinny Happy People, random stuff)
  • Rush (Test for echo, Vapor Trails)

Reading:

  • Rainbow Six -- Clancy

Doing:

  • Trying to Decompress

Watching:

  • Dirty Dancing
  • Pain Killer Jane
  • Reruns of JAG