Paradox of Dualities

(Written over a period of several days starting on 1/16)

And even though the moment passed me by
I still can't turn away
Cause all the dreams you never thought you'd lose
Got tossed along the way
And letters that you never meant to send
Get lost or thrown away

...

Scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far
Did you lose yourself somewhere out there
Did you get to be a star
And don't it make you sad to know that life
Is more than who we are

You grew up way too fast
And now there's nothing to believe
And reruns all become our history
A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio
And I won't tell no one your name
And I won't tell em your name

...

Names -- Goo Goo Dolls

This past weekend just rocked in so many levels... It was fun to see my mom and my friends and it was very good to connect with the things I know are important but that I've purposefully let go off because it makes me feel better.

Fear of the unknown and
The need to be challenged

When we are young
Wandering the face of the Earth
Wondering what our dreams might be worth
Learning that we're only immortal
For a limited time

...

Time is a gypsy caravan
Steals away in the night
To leave you stranded in Dreamland
Distance is a long-range filter
Memory a flickering light
Left behind in the heartland

Dreamline -- Rush

It's funny... I'm not old by any stretch of the imagination but time is starting to be an issue for me. As I told my mom, 12  years ago I was still thinking I had all the time in the world to decide what was it that I wanted to do, little things like finish my MA and start looking for a PhD and enjoy the trip along the way.

I've been thinking about a doctorate for at least the past 8+ years and I always talked myself out of it one way or another. 8+ years later I'm still searching for reasons that will keep me safe and out of the challenges I know I want. 

It's just as well that I don't have as much time to see the dreams come to fruition. It lends an air of urgency to the whole thing that is actually making me get my ass in gear and get stuff done for a change.

A doctoral program scares the crap out of me but, at the same time, I know I can do it and I want to do it.  I used to laugh when my friends would tell me "I'm the first one in my family to go to college" or "I'm the first one in my family to graduate from college" or even "I'm the first one in Grad School" or "I'm the first one to graduate with an MA." In talking to my mom I laughed about it but if I want to be the first one in my family to do anything academically it has to be a doctorate... both my parents have master's and beyond my desire to teach there is always that pride of being able to say you're the first one to do something among your family.

Need for Company
And the need to be by myself

Baby's black balloon makes her fly
I almost fell into that hole in your life
And you're not thinking about tomorrow
'Cause you were the same as me
But on your knees

Black Balloon -- Goo Goo Dolls

This past year was interesting in terms of relationships... that's for damn sure. But in all the unpleasantness it taught me a lot about what I'm looking for and what I'm not looking for in a relationship.

The cliche you never know what you have until you loose it is not as much of a cliche once it happens to you. I'm in that double edged position of wanting a relationship without the committment involved on it and, yes, I've realized that there is a difference.  As I look back I realize that as long as things are easy I'm all for a relationship but when the going gets tough this tough runs the hell away

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

Far Away -- Nickelback

But the sad thing is that I don't regret it. I've become enough of a hermit that the things I do and the people I usually interact with are mostly enough to keep me from getting too depressed and moody about bachelorhood.

OTOH, seeing almost all my peers and friends engaged, attached of married, makes me yearn for that kind of deep, committed relationship But wanting and having are two different things, until they become one and the same I don't really want to put myself through the grind of relationships

There is a cultural component to it too. Despite having been here for almost 13 years, damn has it been that long already, I still feel some tug from cultural heritage... I'm the only one passing my family name to the next generation, I'm the only male child of my father's 2nd marriage (the ones from my dad's first attempt kept their mother's name) and that weighs some, more than I thought it actually would.

Everlasting love
Howard Jones

He wasnt looking for a pretty face
She wasnt searching for the latest style
He didnt want someone who walked straight off the tv
She needed someone with an interior smile

She wasnt looking for a cuddle in the back seat
He wasnt looking for a five minute thrill
She wasnt thinking of tomorrow or of next week
This vacancy he meant to permanently fill

Chorus
I need an everlasting love
I need a friend and a lover divine
An everlasting precious love
Wait for it, wait for it, give it some time

Back in the world of disposable emotion
In the climate of temporary dreams
He wasnt looking for a notch on his bedpost
A love to push, pull and burst at the seams

Is this love worth waiting for
Something special, something pure
Is this love worth waiting for
Bitterness will die for sure
Something special
, something pure
Is this love worth waiting for

Need for independece
And the need to be cared for

I have to admit it... one of the reasons why I love going to the Bay Area is because I love to be babied. It's a matter of just being able to relax and not have to worry about anything. I can let the control freak rest for a while before I have to jump into the fray

I hate to admit it but it's nice to be pampered and have someone to talk to when you're stressed and are thinking about the way you're planning things. My mom has always had that I know you well enough to know why you're doing this thinking that sees right through the center of things and cares enough to tell me how things are rather than what most people do which is to tell me what I think I want to hear.

Need for stability
And the need to grow

 

The Long Way Around
Dixie Chicks

My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live
But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling
Lived like a gypsy
Six strong hands on the steering wheel

I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow
By taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the shakers
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to
No I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now
But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
The long
The long way around

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

There are times when growth and stability seem like such opposite extremes...

I can't be stable and grow and I can't grow and be stable: Growth requires instability; you only grow by challenging yourself which, to me, is the complete oposite of stability.... When you're in a stable situation you cruise along and don't worry about what may or may not happen, you just worry that things continue to go as smoothly as they've been

Which one is more important? How do you know when to play your hand and when to fold? When does the cost outweigh the bennefit? How do you know what fights to fights and what fights to avoid?

Need for Compasion

And the need to do a good job

Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion; you must set yourself on fire

Reggie Leach, quote by Neal Peart in the Vapor Trails Tourbook

I've been told I expect a lot of myself; I don't think so, it may be true and it may not be. What really pisses me off, however, is when I perceive someone not doing their jobs as well as I know they could. I mean I bust my ass off doing as good a job as I can and then things drop because someone else is dragging their feet and not puting up as much effor as I think they should.

I've always felt that I had to do a better job than everyone else, starting in school. Mom worked at the same school I attended so, for the longest time, people thought that I got the grades I did because the teachers knew my mom rather than through my own effort

I know now that I'm being judged on my own merits but that need to excel has never left me. It started after I left Central and moved to San Jose with my mom... I need to improve on myself, my skills and my attitudes all the time or I'm not satisfied with what I do or how I do it.

 I know I could have done better at Central and I regret not having the discipline to have done as well as I could have done... past is past but it's also proof: There is a difference of almost a full point of GPA between my BA and my MA (2.83 to 3.79 if you have to know).

One thing I've learned through the years is that it's impossible to expect others to have the same drive and dedication that you do. Actually, you can expect it but you will continue to be dissapointed and the dissapointment will grow worse as things get more complicated and more demanding.

But what becomes of a leader or the person who is in charge of a project if he can't set the expectations from the outset? I guess that's where coaching and mentoring comes in. Through stress and adversity I've learned more about project and team management in the past week than I ever thought I'd learn or cared to learn.

I think I now see what the differences between Morning on the good side and Victoria and Martha on the not so good (OMG they suck) side of managers I've worked with. Morning always worked on motivation and how to get the best of people, Victoria and Martha expected performance of you and just yelled when it wasn't there

I've always talked about not wanting to be in management. I think it has more to do with what kind of manager I want to be if I'm ever in that position... it cooled my pissiness in a big hurry.

There was a man back in '95
Whose heart ran out of summers
But before he died, I asked him
Wait, what's the sense in life
Come over me, Come over me

He said,
Son why you got to sing that tune
Catch a Dylan song or some eclipse of the moon
Let an angel swing and make you swoon
Then you will see... You will see

...

He said,
Dad I'm big but we're smaller than small
In the scheme of things, well we're nothing at all
Still every mother's child sings a lonely song
So play with me, come play with me

...

There are secrets that we still have left to find
There have been mysteries from the beginning of time
There are answers we're not wise enough to see

...

I guess
we're big and I guess we're small
If you think about it man you know we got it all
Cause we're all we got on this bouncing ball
And I love you free
I love you freely

The Riddle (You and I) - Five for Fighting

 

Living in the present
While looking at the future

Mal: You know what the first thing of flying is, Little Albatross? Well of course you do. You can read my mind.

River: I want to hear you say it.

Mal: Love. You can know all the math in the 'verse, you take a bird in the air you don't love it'll shake you just as sure as the worlds turn. Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down. Tells you she's hurting 'fore she keenes. Makes her a home.

River: The storm's getting worse.

Mal: We'll come out of it soon enough.

Mal and River -- Serenity

It's kinda hard to live in the present when you keep looking at the future as the answer to all your questions.