Whether it's the job I am applying for in San Diego or something else that comes along as I move forward the lyrics below resonated with me today.

Oh patron saint of lonely souls
Tell this boy which way to go
Guide the car, you got the keys
Farewell to mediocrity
Kicking off the cruise-control
And turning up the radio
Got just enough religion
And a half tank of gas come on, let’s go

Bon Jovi -- Lost Highway

Other things made me think about the songs below. I'll explain after each one

White Flag
Dido

I know you think that I shouldn't still love you,
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it
where's the sense in that?

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder
Or return to where we were

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I know I left too much mess and
destruction to come back again
And I caused nothing but trouble
I understand if you can't talk to me again
And if you live by the rules of "it's over"
then I'm sure that that makes sense

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

And when we meet
Which I'm sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
I'll let it pass
And hold my tongue
And you will think
That I've moved on....

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

I will go down with this ship
And I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
I'm in love and always will be

There are times when just saying to hell with everything is so tempting... but then, when you really think about it, surrender and/or running away is never the answer. If I am removing myself from a situation it's because the situation itself became untenable and I don't want to keep hitting my head against a wall that won't break; it's not healthy for my head or clean for the wall to have all the blood splatters.

As much as I hate to admit it, Chico has become that kind of wall. Maybe not a literal wall but one where I don't know and am afraid to do things because I don't really want to have to deal with the repercussions. I used to think that management trusted people with making judgement calls and running with issues and problems.... now I don't think that's the case.

This is as true in relationships as it is in the rest of the world, if not more so. I don't want to invest the emotional energy that takes to build a relationship... I'm guessing I'm too self centered for that or that I haven't found the right person to justify the emotional investment. I thought I had but now I realize it was a nice idea that would never work (Not that I'm going to quit but I have to be realist enough to know that the most likely result is)

Limelight
Rush (Moving Pictures)

Living on a lighted stage
Approaches the unreal
For those who think and feel
In touch with some reality
Beyond the gilded cage

Cast in this unlikely role,
Ill-equipped to act
With insufficient tact
One must put up barriers
To keep oneself intact

Living in the limelight
The universal dream
For those who wish to seem

Those who wish to be
Must put aside the alienation
Get on with the fascination
The real relation
The underlying theme

Living in a fisheye lens
Caught in the camera eye
I have no heart to lie
I cant pretend a stranger
Is a long-awaited friend

All the worlds indeed a stage
And we are merely players
Performers and portrayers
Each another's audience
Outside the gilded cage

I've realized something over the past few weeks.

 

Because of you
Kelly Clarkson (Breakaway)

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way, to never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake, a smile, a laugh
Every day of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust
Not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry
Every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry
In the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side
So I don't get hurt
Because of you
I tried my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid

Because of you
Because of you

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You never know how dependant you are on stuff until you don't have it anymore. For almost 16 hours yesterday we were without power and, let me tell ya, it sucked the big one. I'm still bitching and complaining about cable being screwed up... thank goodness for people who don't know how to secure their wireless connections 😉

Love Poem with Toast by Miller Williams
From Some Jazz a While: Collected Poems

Some of what we do, we do
to make things happen,
the alarm to wake us up, the coffee to perc,
the car to start.

The rest of what we do, we do
trying to keep something from doing something
the skin from aging, the hoe from rusting,
the truth from getting out.

With yes and no like the poles of a battery
powering our passage through the days,
we move, as we call it, forward,
wanting to be wanted,
wanting not to lose the rain forest,
wanting the water to boil,
wanting not to have cancer,
wanting to be home by dark,
wanting not to run out of gas,

 

as each of us wants the other
watching at the end,
as both want not to leave the other alone,
as wanting to love beyond this meat and bone,
we gaze across breakfast and pretend.

 

Life continues on its unpredictable course with twists and turns worthy of an Agatha Christie's mystery novel. As far as work is concerned I still hold on to what I wrote in the last entry reviewing 2007 but it left a lot out. I've decided that, again, relationships take a back seat to career.  I guess I am a chicken and don't want to invest what I know will take to get the kind of relationship I want... maybe in a few years I'll want to be ready and want to settle down but the time is not right for me to do so right now (at least I don't want it to be just yet)

I've applied for a job in San Diego, at a Jesuit University, as a trainer, instructional designer and team lead for training and online course management. I don't know if I'm going to get it but the fact that I applied in and of itself is what makes me happy. I'll keep my eyes open for other options and see what happens.

UPDATE: I didn't get the email until today but they are checking references on the San Diego job! Don't know if they do this for all the people whom the interview but it's always a good sign

I know it's not good to be arrogant or overconfident. But it's always good to be confident enough to know you have a good shot at achieving your goal. And the change is tempting too 🙂

A lot of years and the problem doesn't change one bit or maybe it's people who don't change... who knows.

 

Do they know it's Christmas?
Band Aid

(Paul Young)
It's Christmas time
There's no need to be afraid
At Christmas time
We let in light and we banish shade

(Boy George)
And in our world of plenty
We can spread a smile of joy
Throw your arms around the world
At Christmas time

(George Michael)
But say a prayer
Pray for the other ones
At Christmas time it's hard

(Simon LeBon)
But when you're having fun
There's a world outside your window

(Sting)
And it's a world of dread and fear
Where the only water flowing is
(Bono joins in)
The bitter sting of tears
And the Christmas bells that are ringing
Are clanging chimes of doom

(Bono only)
Well, tonight thank God it's them instead of you.

(Everyone)
And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time.
The greatest gift they'll get this year is life
Where nothing ever grows
No rain or rivers flow
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time
Feed the world
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

(Paul Young)
Here's to you
raise a glass for everyone
Here's to them
underneath that burning sun
Do they know it's Christmas time at all?

Chorus (Everyone)
Feed the world
Feed the world
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time again
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time again
Feed the world
Let them know it's Christmas time again

Repeat