Prime Mover
Rush (Hold your fire)

Basic elemental
Instinct to survive
Stirs the higher passions
Thrill to be alive

Alternating currents
In a tidewater surge
Rational resistance
To an unwise urge
anything can happen

From the point of conception
To the moment of Truth
At the point of surrender
To the burden of proof

From the point of ignition
To the final drive
The point of the journey
Is not to arrive
anything can happen

Basic temperamental
Filters on our eyes
Alter our perceptions
Lenses polarize

Alternating currents
Force a show of hands
Rational responses
Force a change of plans
anything can happen

From a point on the compass
To magnetic north
The point of the needle
Moving back and forth

From the point of entry --
Until the candle is burned
The point of departure
Is not to return
anything can happen

I set the wheels in motion
turn up all the machines
activate the programs
and run behind the scene

I set the clouds in motion
turn up light and sound
activate the window
and watch the world go 'round --

anything can happen

I guess mom figured out how to solve my problem. I'll be officially moving back to the bay area in the later half of July.

I wanted to think I could make enough money working odd jobs to be able to stay here in a smaller apartment. it just wasn't going to work out and we both knew it... and with the new apartment and shit I can't really expect my mom to bail me whenever I need to.

If this past almost month has taught me anything is to prioritize and not to neglect any aspect of my life because I deem others more important. One of the things that has been bugging me is my problem with relationships, the commitment I made to work when I started at SJSU back in '98, how the void I feel hasn't got any smaller because I can't really commit to a relationship and whether it's fair to drag someone down the path I want to take just because that's where I'm going with my life.

The lyrics above, Prime Mover by Rush, have always been my sanity checker particularly the following verse has kept my mind somewhat at ease through the rough spots over the years:

From the point of ignition
To the final drive
The point of the journey
Is not to arrive
anything can happen

The main thing to keep in mind is that, no matter what happened in the past, you can't let it dictate your future and the way you live life. Accept that as much of a control freak as you are there are things you can't control and when that happens you must move on and deny those who screwed you up the satisfaction of seeing you down, not that they would care one way or another but it's also a matter of pride for me to demonstrate that despite the surprise and despite how much I think what they did sucks I can and will move on.... The cliche "whatever doesn't kill me only makes me stronger" seems appropriate for this situation, doesn't it?

I have 2, maybe 3, applications out in the open: One in Georgia, one in San Bernardino (done in a whim), and maybe one in Sacramento (don't know if I want to do that as it requires programming again)

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen.

Reinhold Niebuhr

The hardest stuff to do is to let go of those people who have really meant something to you while in Chico.... Some of them have been a real treat to get to know and work with. When I met Cris, my grad school advisor yesterday it was teary for me at the end.

The hardest part of deciding what to do is to actually commit to a course of action. Once you do that, the rest is (relatively) easy

I talked to the hiring manager for the position at Sac State. There is little to no programming and the training part is negotiable (go for broke and then let him negotiate you down ;-)) As far as I'm concerned there is no real reason not to apply and see what happens....

Collide
Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find, you and I collide

I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
You somehow find, you and I collide

Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

3 people who influenced me in different ways and for many different reasons

• In learning more about Tim Russert and his life I realize that he represents what and who I long to be.... Now I need to get off my ass and actually do it.  http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/25173667#25173667

• Stan Winston's work in film SFX kept my dreams and fantasies alive and, for a while, made me want to apprentice as a special effect person. htp://www.hollywoodreporter.com/hr/content_display/news/e3i8d91a7147083886b8d78377d8626568d?imw=Y

• Penny Peterson is a friend from the CSU system (she worked in Long Beach)  who taught me a lot as to how to pursue something and never give up, never surrender if the cause you're fighting for is fair.... Damn, I'm going to miss her. http://cats.cdl.edu/ppeterson

The world does seem a little darker this time around.

Fair Winds and Following Seas

JAG Series Finale

General Creswell announced creation of Joint Legal Service Center Southwest & M commandant of the unit. H appointed Force Judge Advocate Naval Forces Europe, headquartered in London England, a Captain Billet and immediate frocking. 2 Days travel and 4 days proceed time. Harm & Mac looked at each other stunned!

Everyone (nearly) vies for selection by either Harm or Mac who are supposed to choose their own staff - and all JAG employees are fair game! Mac "psychically" said they will be 5489 miles and 10.5 hrs flying time apart. Coates wanted to "stay the same" until coaxed by Vuckovic to be "adventuresome." Turner congratulated Harm on making captain & his appointment. Surprised, Harm said "It sounds like you mean it"; then "you were qualified too." Turner replied "the captain's board didn't think so. But perhaps I'll be JAG after you." Mac sublet her apt to Vereese, who was moving to DC to see how it worked out with Turner. Bud commented that the Harm's new position is a "straight shot into JAG" then fumbled when Cresswell advised he "didn't plan on retiring anytime soon." Harm told Mattie he "wouldn't go anywhere without her" & Tom isn't contesting custody.

Harm asked Bud to go to London with him as "Assistant Force Judge Advocate!" (wow). He excitedly accepted saying Harriet would be fine w/ it. Then Mac asked Bud to come w/ her as a "Blue Suit XO" & he said that he had already accepted Harm's offer. BUT- Harriet was NOT happy at all! She jumped on Bud then wangled him to back down! Then Bud told Harm that it was HIS decision to "stay put." Harriet had lunch w/ Mac & explained ("Bud's not to know") that he "still needs monitoring" (just like her controlling mother!) Harm observed "once Harriet makes up Bud's mind for him then that's pretty much it!" Cresswell asked Mikey what the "set to" was that he had with his daughter Cammie. Mikey said he was in the right but they worked out their differences & she would make a great lawyer - "She has a way of interpreting the rules to her advantage, bending the facts." Cresswell told him that when it came to his daughter he had "rules of engagement, do you get my meaning?" Mikey tried to talk to Bud about loving Cammie but he said "you can't!" "You crazy?" - "fall OUT of love!" - then refused to talk to him about it. Mikey then asked Harm who said "are you crazy?" then: "talk to Cammie, & explain your feelings openly and honestly" (interesting coming from H).

Vuckovic asked Mac for San Diego as well but was turned down flatly. "You are not the kind of lawyer that I want on my staff - period." He argued with her throwing up her mistake w/ Farrow so Mac threw him out of her office. Then Cresswell assigned Vuckovic to marine corps recruiting depot at Paris Island to handle a recruit twice found muddy outside barracks having been in swamp to "kill the enemy." Vuckovic questioned why he had to go & Cresswell bristled "The general asked me and I agreed!" Recruit Walter Evans, 16 y/o, falsified a birth certificate, HS diploma & mothers signature to join Marines. His mother told V that "she was loosing him." After his father was killed in Afghanistan Walter withdrew, became obsessed & ran away. She put out an amber alert. He refused to go home w/ her. Vuckovic called Cresswell for advice who said "think out of the box, that's your specialty" & hung up on him! The Gen held an award ceremony (not Vuckovic's idea) for Walter stating he "knew his father Sgt Maj Silers Evans, how proud he was, etc." then made Walter an "honorary marine" & ordered him to go home w/ mother & "come back when ready." Vuckovic didn't know that Gen knew Siler; "didn't want it known, that's why I asked for JAG." Vuckovic counseled mrs Evans to seek "stress help" & told of his childhood: Father died when 15 y/o. tried church, street gangs, booze, girls. Too much for mom so sent to live w/ uncle. "He told me things I didn't know about my dad - things mom didn't want to talk about him. That got me better."

AND Mac & Harm FINALLY, ACTUALLY TALKED! Through many 'flashbacks' they gave insight to their unusual emotional dillema.

H- "I forgot how beautiful you are."

M- "You resigned your commission, came 5,000 miles to find me and were nearly killed. Why?

H- "I think you know why."

H- "Five years from this moment, if neither are in a relationship we'll go halves on a kid." Then it showed them kissing @ M & Brum's engagement party!

M- "Eternity, is that how long we're going to wait? You still can't let go can you?

H- "not yet"

M- "you're just this way with me aren't you?"

H- "Yes, just you"

H- "If you want to have a baby in the future, the offer still holds. We could do it together like we planned."

M- "Cmdr Rabb is the kind of man I would want for my child."

M- "So much more to talk about than just W"

H- "then when you're ready let me know."

FINALLY M came to Hs apartment the very night before their departure!

M- "Lets talk about you and me, neither of us wants to be the first to say goodbye."

H- "I don't think that I'll ever feel about anyone else the way I feel about you."

M- "That's flattering, but don't tell that to your future wife, whoever she may be, she won't understand."

H- "Do YOU understand?"

M- "No, I don't understand why we can't make it work, why we've let FATE decide our futures."

H- asked Mac what it was of all men that attracted her?

M- "They wanted me & they let me know it."

H- "I wanted you & you knew it."

M- "No woman wants to be a mind reader. With you there are always complications, another woman, work, searching for your father."

H- "That's all past. We've got 12 hours."

M- "Is it, we've had 9 years."

H- "I guess maybe I've just needed a deadline."

M- "Well you've got one now sailor boy!" After kissing, M-"Are you proposing?"

H- "Yes, I’m proposing. Let's get married."

M- "This has always been the 500# gorilla in the room. If we get married, one of us has to give up our navy career."

H- "I love you. I don't want to give up my navy career & you don't want to give up the Marine Corps.

H- "Do you believe in fate?"

M- "Fate put us together, sort of."

H- "Fate could keep us together forever."

They invited Turner, Coates, Harriet, Bud, & Cresswell to McMurphy's Tavern (where all important events have taken place) to announce their engagement. Co felt she needed to lie to Cr to get him there. They explained their impending marriage and their dilemma about neither wanting to give up their career. Then H said "We've decided to let fate decide." B showed the "JAG coin" that Adm Chegwidden gave him when he retired. The "future bride" called - "tails" (the same as she always has in the past & lost). B flipped the coin into the air and it turned into slow motion. The scen
e froze w/ everyone looking up at the coin which showed "JAG - Judge Advocate General 1995 - 2005" (on the "tails" side.)

Remember the name
Fort Minor featuring Styles from Beyond

You ready?! Let's go!
Yeah, for those of you that want to know what we're all about
It's like this y'all (c'mon!)

[Outro - Mike Shinoda:]
Yeah! Fort Minor
M. Shinoda - Styles of Beyond
Ryu! Takbir! Machine Shop!

The easiest thing to do is to allow pity to swallow you and let yourself become depressed and let yourself dwell on what happened. As tempting as it is, I can't do that.... It'd be the easiest path to follow, true, but it would also be the easiest way to destroy any hope I have for a long and happy professional life.

"Nothing worth the effort comes without pain." If anything, that's what I got to keep reminding myself and what I have to continue working on.  I have plans and this is only a small setback in the great scheme of life, Chico was always meant as a temporary step while I figured out what was it I wanted to do, right? Well, now I have mostly figured out what is it I want to do so pursue it... follow your heart, the rest of you can't be far behind.

One of the benefits of TTIX is that I have a much better prospect of getting the kind of job that I am really looking for. If I put my chances at 1 in 50 of getting the kind of job I like, now I'd say we're 1 in 10 or maybe even 1 in 5 :-D.  There's also been a lot of (re)learning what is it that I've trained and struggled to maintain for the past 10 years.

To put it succinctly, I am a facilitator whose task is to help learners (faculty, staff or students) interact with the information in a way that is beneficial to them, that helps them learn and facilitates further acquisition of knowledge.

I think that one of the things I have to work on is conveying that to to people who are skeptic and who, like what I recently found out, don't want me to do what I trained to do. That's fine but keep the rules clear and let all the players know when the rules change, for better or worse.

Compromise versus Values and Honesty

Do or do not. There is no try

Yoda -- Empire Strikes Back

As I listened to the accessibility session from SXSW (and the guy who put together the session ought to be given an award) I am reminded of two scenes from the original Star Wars trilogy, both of them with Luke and Yoda: One where Luke is learning what it means to be a Jedi and the other one in the second Death Star's throne room where Luke turns down Palpatine's offer for absolute power and domination over the Galaxy in exchange for killing his father.  This has always begged the question: What are you willing to compromise to get what you want?

Listening:

• Accessibility Session from SXSW 2007 (strong Star Wars flavor)
• Linkin Park Selection
• 80's Rock Selection
• Marie Digby

Reading:

• Spook Country -- William Gibson
• Shadow Command -- Dale Brown

Doing:

• Traveling back to Chico
• Planning on what's next and how to get there

Watching:

• Appleseed
• Appleseed Ex-Machina

Dreams
Fleetwood Mac (Rumors)

Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down
Its only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat.. drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost

Thunder only happens when its raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say... women... they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean... you'll know

I bitched enough about what happened, now to wear my thinking hat rather than my feeling hat and work out plans and get ready for the really hardcore job hunting and definition.

Admission/realization/learning experience #1: I stayed in Chico too long 
Yes, this is the rehash of my kicking myself for not having trusted my instincts, not once but twice.  I went in to my meeting with Kathy with a sense of dread that was only confirmed with what happened.  Trust your instincts  for they have yet to let you down

Admission/realization/learning experience #2: I let others define who I was and what I did
Both in my personal world and in my professional life I've allowed others to define who I am and what I can and cannot do. While professionally it may be ok to let others define you (you may not have a choice in terms of where do the people who cut the pay checks want you to go) the least you can expect is to have an input about it, even if it goes against what you want.

Admission/realization/learning experience #3: I took a job even though I knew it wasn't a good fit for me
I knew going in that it was going to be a tough job. Bill told me when he offered me the position that it was a primarily technical job. I didn't have much choice at the time but I had a choice ever since I took the position.... Could have quit at any point. It's the dichotomies again: Comfort versus happiness; stability versus ambition

Admission/realization/learning experience #4: I hate the political game
I realize that politics are a necessary evil and that it's an essential part of every organization. I still hate the "P" word with a passion even when I realize that I can't really hide from it and be completely politically neutral but I should be able to define the level of political involvement I have in a job (see #2 above for why this is not practical or, dare I say, possible)

Defining what you want for your job

I guess it's my turn to win some or learn some

Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

1. A job where I can exercise the skills I have or be given the chance to learn what I need in order to be successful at my job

2. Even though I have to accept the fact that politics are unavoidable I want a job where I can define what the politics are or move away from politics altogether (and a ton of ice in the Sahara desert too while I'm at it ;-))

3. Professional challenges that stretch what I know and motivate me to learn more in different areas
4. Leadership challenges that put into practice what I have learned about leading a team and, more important IMO, how not to lead a team