80% packed, 50% sad, 50% happy and 100% depressed

Prime Mover
Rush (Hold your fire)

Basic elemental
Instinct to survive
Stirs the higher passions
Thrill to be alive

Alternating currents
In a tidewater surge
Rational resistance
To an unwise urge
anything can happen

From the point of conception
To the moment of Truth
At the point of surrender
To the burden of proof

From the point of ignition
To the final drive
The point of the journey
Is not to arrive
anything can happen

Basic temperamental
Filters on our eyes
Alter our perceptions
Lenses polarize

Alternating currents
Force a show of hands
Rational responses
Force a change of plans
anything can happen

From a point on the compass
To magnetic north
The point of the needle
Moving back and forth

From the point of entry --
Until the candle is burned
The point of departure
Is not to return
anything can happen

I set the wheels in motion
turn up all the machines
activate the programs
and run behind the scene

I set the clouds in motion
turn up light and sound
activate the window
and watch the world go 'round --

anything can happen

I guess mom figured out how to solve my problem. I'll be officially moving back to the bay area in the later half of July.

I wanted to think I could make enough money working odd jobs to be able to stay here in a smaller apartment. it just wasn't going to work out and we both knew it... and with the new apartment and shit I can't really expect my mom to bail me whenever I need to.

If this past almost month has taught me anything is to prioritize and not to neglect any aspect of my life because I deem others more important. One of the things that has been bugging me is my problem with relationships, the commitment I made to work when I started at SJSU back in '98, how the void I feel hasn't got any smaller because I can't really commit to a relationship and whether it's fair to drag someone down the path I want to take just because that's where I'm going with my life.

The lyrics above, Prime Mover by Rush, have always been my sanity checker particularly the following verse has kept my mind somewhat at ease through the rough spots over the years:

From the point of ignition
To the final drive
The point of the journey
Is not to arrive
anything can happen

The main thing to keep in mind is that, no matter what happened in the past, you can't let it dictate your future and the way you live life. Accept that as much of a control freak as you are there are things you can't control and when that happens you must move on and deny those who screwed you up the satisfaction of seeing you down, not that they would care one way or another but it's also a matter of pride for me to demonstrate that despite the surprise and despite how much I think what they did sucks I can and will move on.... The cliche "whatever doesn't kill me only makes me stronger" seems appropriate for this situation, doesn't it?

I have 2, maybe 3, applications out in the open: One in Georgia, one in San Bernardino (done in a whim), and maybe one in Sacramento (don't know if I want to do that as it requires programming again)

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Reinhold Niebuhr

The hardest stuff to do is to let go of those people who have really meant something to you while in Chico.... Some of them have been a real treat to get to know and work with. When I met Cris, my grad school advisor yesterday it was teary for me at the end.

The hardest part of deciding what to do is to actually commit to a course of action. Once you do that, the rest is (relatively) easy

I talked to the hiring manager for the position at Sac State. There is little to no programming and the training part is negotiable (go for broke and then let him negotiate you down ;-)) As far as I'm concerned there is no real reason not to apply and see what happens....

Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find, you and I collide
I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
You somehow find, you and I collide
Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide