Learning from loving, letting go and being stupid

Want to
Sugarland

I've packed a cooler and a change of clothes
Let's jump and see how far it goes
You got my heart and your daddy's boat
We got all night to make it float
We could sit on the shore, we could just be friends
Or we could jump in

Whole world could change in a minute
Just one kiss could stop it spinning
We could think it through
But I don't want to, if you don't want to
We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came, with nothing to lose
But I don't want to, if you don't want to

I got your ring around my neck
And a couple of nights I don't regret
You got a dream of a degree
And a shirt that smells like me
Yeah we both got dreams, we could chase alone
Or we could make our own

Whole world could change in a minute
Just one kiss could stop it spinning
We could think it through
But I don't want to, if you don't want to
We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came, with nothing to lose
But I don't want to, if you don't want to

Never waste another day
Wonderin' what you threw away
Holdin' me, holdin' you
I don't want to, if you don't want to

We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came, with nothing to lose
But I don't want to if you don't want to

but I want to

I want you

 

 


 

There are areas of my life and my relationships where I've been so damn stupid.... Sometimes I wonder if it was deliberate or not.

Part of me is scared to death of relationships.... Shit, it's taken me years and years of very painful growth to get to the point where my defenses won't crumble at the first criticism and now I have to look at relationships where the first pre-requisite is to drop your barriers and make yourself vulnerable and have your partner make herself vulnerable to you.

Part of me rebels against that kind of relationship. We all have our 3 facets, that which we show in our everyday lives, another one that we keep to ourselves and a third one that is so dark that we don't even let ourselves acknowledge its existence.  How can we really make ourselves vulnerable and, more important, keep ourselves vulnerable in a relationship? Sooner or later that part of us we keep to ourselves will surface and will cause the other partner to question if the relationship was real to begin with (at least it has in my case).

Yet another part of me wishes I could have that kind of relationship. It's not impossible... most of those around me, even the ones whom I don't value more than 1/100 of 1 cent have managed to find fulfilling relationships that have endured the test of time and have not crumbled...  yet, in some cases.

Then there's the cynical me that says all that relationships are good for is to warm the bed in winter, get laid occasionally and propagate the species. 

Then why is it that loneliness hit me hard this year?

  • it may be the acknowledgement that I stupidly let go of people who were/are/will always be important to me. Or it may be the acknowledgement that I tend to measure people against those idyllic relationships of the past... and what past relationship doesn't look rosy 10 years later?
  • it may be that I'm tired of being the third wheel of the bicycle?  I've come to hate the idea of hanging out with friends because they are all coupled (is it even a word?) and there are the little interactions that happen when people don't like each other and ends up being a package deal, most recently it was that the SO of the "friend" in question didn't like me but I found this out through 3rd parties... then to hell with both of them
  • it may be that I'm seeing all people I know with children? I have to decide soon if children are in the plans for me or not. If the answer is no, then I will definitely have to explain myself to whoever I get in a relationship with 🙂

This song has crept on my mind again, both the song itself and the memories of someone special back in Chile /sigh

Leaving New York 
R.E.M (Around the sun)

It's quiet now, and what it brings, is everything
comes calling back, a brilliant night, I'm still awake
I looked ahead, I'm sure I saw you there.
You don't need me to tell you now, that nothing can compare

(chorus)
You might've laughed if I told you,
You might have hidden your frown.
You might've succeeded in changing me,
I might've been turned around.
It's easier to leave than to be left behind,
Leaving was never my proud,
Leaving New York never easy,
I saw the light fading out.

Now life is sweet, and what it brings
I tried to take.
the loneliness it wears me out,
it lies in wait.
and all I've lost, you're in my eyes,
shatter a necklace across your thighs
i might've lived my life in a dream
but i swear it, this is real
memories refuses, and it shatters like glass
mercurial future, forget the past,
but it's you, it's what I feel

You might've laughed if I told you,
You might have hidden your frown.
You might've succeeded in changing me,
I might've been turned around.
It's easier to leave than to be left behind,
Leaving was never my proud,
Leaving New York never easy,
I saw the light fading out.

You find it in your heart, it's pulling me apart,
You find it in your heart, it's pulling me apart.

I told you, forever, I love you, forever - continues during
I told you, forever, I love you, forever / last chorus.
I told you, forever, I love you, forever
I told you, forever, I love you, forever

You might've laughed if I told you,
You might have hidden your frown.
You might've succeeded in changing me,
I might've been turned around.
It's easier to leave than to be left behind,
Leaving was never my proud,
Leaving New York never easy,
I saw the light fading out.