Priorities and questions

Beyond the Sea
Bobby Darin

Somewhere beyond the sea,
Somewhere, waiting for me,
My lover stands on golden sands
And watches the ships that go sailing;

Somewhere beyond the sea,
He's (She's) there watching for me.
If I could fly like birds on high,
Then straight to his (her) arms I'd go sailing.

It's far beyond a star,
It's near beyond the moon,
I know beyond a doubt
My heart will lead me there soon.

We'll meet beyond the shore,
We'll kiss just as before.
Happy we'll be beyond the sea,
And never again I'll go sailing!

I think that's one of the things that Tim brought up that I need to seriously consider, again, as I move forward with whatever the hell it is that I decide to do.

"Where is your relationship life in comparison with personal and work" (badly paraphrased but close enough).  At first I said that I wasn't really interested in relationships, that I had subordinated relationships and, to a degree, my personal life to the altar of work. But as I de-emphasize the amount of time that I dedicate to work, I find a growing hole in my life... can't tell if it's a professional (there is plenty of frustration to go around), relationship-based (maybe), or even personal (triggered by one of the other 2) or if it's all 3 hitting the fan at the same time when I'm not in the best position to rebuild or more specifically, rebuild what?

I want to clear something. Where I said professional in the paragraph above. it was deliberate: I don't equate work with professional growth, particularly not in the situation I currently find myself at work.

I was at a conference in Salt Lake City, UT most of last week. The conference was awesome and really motivating; yet it is the motivating aspect that makes it depressing as hell. It's really hard for me to look at all the awesome things that people are doing when I know that by the time I present ideas to Scott, Laura and Kathy it'll be "that's awesome but we don't need that kind of work here at this time so we won't even give you the time to research it." Granted, that's what I'm hearing and not necessarily what is being said, but without a bigger picture, what other conclusion can I draw?

As I wrote in my response to the review I had I said I wouldn't do any "extra curricular" activities as it seems that they are interfering with my work for the University. Now I'm bored to tears 90% of the time and busy as hell the other 10.  And to top it off, I am having to deal with a very difficult faculty member who's letting everyone know how unhappy she is with the way things are being handled, conveniently forgetting to mention that I wasn't given any way to deal with the problem, she didn't get a reply in what she thought was a fair timeline and then she raised all 27 kinds of hell (apparently 9 were not enough)

For the first time in ages, I'm dreading CATS (the conference I'm going to next week). I am looking forward to seeing the people and but not to getting in the "damn, that sounds to nice, wish I could be doing that kind of development" funk that I got while I was at the SVU conference.

Detachment... I think that's the best way to define it. Detach the conferences from your job and your work-related interests.  Also detach your work-related interests from your actual job 🙂

You can still have your interests that are related to your job; you just can't use them at your current job but, at the same time, you don't want to let them rust because of lack of use...  I'm coming to terms with having to start from scratch as a trainer. That's the price I've had to pay for what I'm doing and for having enjoyed it for a couple years.  Now that I'm reinventing myself some of the choices I've made don't look all that smart after all.

Yet that is the issue, right?  In talking with Tim I've learned that there is no such thing as a wrong choice.... The choices you make are correct in as much as you think they are; they are the best decisions you can make with the information that you have available. And perhaps the most important part of all, they are always subject to revision and change 🙂

There are 2 areas where this has become important: Relationships and Expectations about life.

Expectations are a tricky part. What your expectations and goals are tend to shift, morph and evolve but, at least for me, the expectations of myself and what it is that I want to do and how I want to do it are hard to change.  I mean, I invested a lot into my theater life before one series of bad encounters made it clear to me that as much as I love theater and as much as I wanted to continue working there, it wasn't for me.

Instructional Technology is getting to the same level. Can't tell if it's the job itself or if it's the discipline that I'm tired with. One of the things that I'm looking at is where do others see my position going in the next 3 months, 6 months, and 1 year. If it matches what I'm looking at it being, then I may consider waiting, but I also have to keep reminding myself that I probably will not be the only person competing for the job so I have to be realistic and keep my options open. If it doesn't match then I can fully dedicate to graduate school with a clean conscience.

At least I'm getting a better idea of what questions to ask and a better idea that it might be me who's causing the problem. SK is right when he says that one way or another we will have to work together and that the options are to be miserable while doing it or to really step out of my comfort zone and look at who I am and how I relate to people. 

An interesting exercise will be to stop and write down the ways I relate to people. Stop and write it down no matter how weird it sounds or how weird it looks to people around you.  At the end of the week, reflect on what you wrote and plan accordingly. I think you can and should do this periodically and see if this changes over time or not but the first time is going to be the hardest. Perhaps having an outside person who understands the field I'm working on and/or who knows me well enough can offer an objective review of what I write and help me improve.

(4/3/2008) Does she really fucking want my job? I agree that we need to do better training but if you think you need to jump up and decide how to train DLT students then, by all means, be my guest. One less thing that I need to worry about and more time I can dedicate to what I really enjoy doing... research.

On that note, I have decided that I can't live with the uncertainty of not applying to Grad School in GA. I know I've seesawed on this one for a while but I feel that if I don't apply to UGA and/or USU now I'll always be wondering what if I had applied, what if I had been accepted and how would that have changed my life and that of the people I care about.

I have to be strong in the focus of my life. What is important and what can I live without be it people, places or situations.

What is important?

  • Right now I think I want stability so I can prepare myself for the challenges ahead. Even if it gives the impression that I gave up, I need to dedicate and concentrate my energies to do well on the GRE and the application
  • Mentally prepare myself for the GRE, take it twice before the end of November
  • Complete the applications to USU and UGA
  • Continue to cultivate friendships and relationships while I'm still here
  • To be honest with myself and whit those who have pissed me off as to why they have pissed me off and what I want to do about it

What I can live without?

  • People who think they are the center of the universe. Particularly those who are not even close to being important in my life and who let others make choices for them
  • Unneeded stress
  • Arguments for arguments' sake. I love a good debate and a healthy exchange of ideas between mature people who are open to get their egos bruised and will learn from the experience. It's when people take it personally and make their responses personal that I draw the line

What's next?

I think that the main thing is to get off my ass and do things rather than say I'll do them and sit on them.

  • Take the GRE. It doesn't matter how well or poorly you do... just do it
  • Apply to UGA and USU.  Again, it doesn't matter if you get accepted or not, just do it and get it over with rather than be stressed about it (application to UGA started)
  • Continue to try and work things out with the team here. As long as I'm here I need to do the best job I can, regardless of how much I like or hate the job. Perhaps being miserable occasionally is the price to pay for doing what you love in the long run

But going back to the relationship part. What's more important, long term or right now? myself or both of us in the relationship?

Find the river

Hey now, little speedyhead,
The read on the speedometer says
You have to go to task in the city
Where people drown and people serve
Don't be shy. Your just deserve
Is only just light years to go

Me, my thoughts are flower strewn
Ocean storm, bayberry moon
I have got to leave to find my way
Watch the road and memorize
This life that pass before my eyes
Nothing is going my way

The ocean is the river's goal,
A need to leave the water knows
We're closer now than light years to go

I have got to find the river,
Bergamot and vetiver
Run through my head and fall away
Leave the road and memorize
This life that pass before my eyes
Nothing is going my way

There's no one left to take the lead,
But I tell you and you can see
We're closer now than light years to go
Pick up here and chase the ride
The river empties to the tide
Fall into the ocean

The river to the ocean goes,
A fortune for the undertow
None of this is going my way
There is nothing left to throw
Of ginger, lemon, indigo,
Coriander stem and rows of hay
Strength and courage overrides
The privileged and weary eyes
Of river poet search naivete
Pick up here and chase the ride
The river empties to the tide
All of this is coming your way