Sometimes I just wish

There are times when I really wish that I hadn't become such a chicken.  Since when did I become so risk averse? Since when did I stop relishing challenges and started playing it safe?

I think part of the problem is that I live in the here and now without taking into account what the future is. I've always played it like the future is going to become "here and now" soon enough anyway and then it'll be ok to deal with it then, if at all.

Problem is that the lack of planning and foresight means that I'm never quite ready to deal with things that happen in the "here and now." That is no longer acceptable... I have to be more careful as to how I plan for the future and, for once, I have to stick the plan and deal with the consequences.

Personal events have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that planning is becoming more and more important as I move forward with whatever is going to be next. 

Must start planning about summer and how things are going to work when I'm not around the first week in June and the second week in July for conferences, planning for the Bbworld events that I want to be a part of, prepare for Fall to try and see what is it that I need to do to keep me from going insane, plan what's next if UGA doesn't accept me, plan the move in case I am accepted for the PhD program.

I have to admit to a little pettiness in June, not a lot but enough not to feel 100% comfortable with the idea.

Another aspect that has sucked recently is the feeling of betrayal of someone who until recently I considered a friend. It's been hard to adapt to that without wanting to rearrange his face but it's important to move on and plan around the SOB and what he's going to do in the not so distant future. If he conforms to patterns of behavior, he'll come back acting as if nothing had happened and wondering why am I being such an ass.... See, he can do no wrong because he's changing but the rest of the world can do wrong to him, and often do, because we don't adjust to his outlook of the world.

People who claim they have changed, or in this case, to be working on it, are usually the last ones to actually change. I've been told by several people to just forget it and move on. I think I finally accepted it and will do so

Gotta be patient and see how things evolve 🙂

Spending most of a weekend writing a paper is not fun, particularly when it's procrastination that lead to it being written the week before it's due. At least I have the consolation that I have written the paper that was due today ^_^

I've been watching JAG series' finale "Fair winds and following seas" and, like the last time I had it on my DVR and thinking about fate, about how we make our own fate and how things work, or don't work, when we try to push fate in directions in which it doesn't want to go

I know it's a contradiction. I said we make our own fate yet we there are times when we must work against fate to accomplish the really important things in life as long as we don't make a habit out of it. 

Time to start over 🙂

Today (5/6) I'm feeling more keenly than usual the need to reinvent myself.  This time it's not a single-instance event but an ongoing reconstructive surgery. 

It is not an admission that I need change (at least not for the reasons you're thinking) but an acknowledgement that I'm stagnating. A call to make sure that you actually live life and don't let it just run by.

There is a reason for both the lyrics to Days Go By posted elsewhere and the videos I chose for this post.  In their own way they each are a reminder that we need to do things and not let life go by without enjoying it. I also got a friendly prod to actually do things from a friend.