Month / February 2009

by carlos

Getting the pieces together

I’m starting to feel t hat the possibility of actually finishing the triathlon in June is something more than wishful thinking.

For the first time I did my running (5k) and 98% (almost 10k) of my bike on the same day and without keeling over in exhaustion. It’s amazing what your mind can do to your body when your body thinks that it can’t take anymore.

Now I just need to add the swimming and start working on tightening the pace and actually getting on the road for the bike part… ideally I want to do the trails I’ll be biking for the race; they put the map up already.

Here is to insanity 😉

by carlos

Learning Process

Taken from Eric Sickler’s Facebook, without permission 🙂

 

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. 

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. 

I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts. 

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do.

I've learned that it's not what happens to people, It's what they do about it. 

I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't. 

I've learned that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it needs to be done regardless of the consequences.

I've learned that true friendship continues to grow even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. 

I've learned that no matter how good friends are, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. 

I've learned that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself. 

I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for your grief. 

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. 

I've learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves get farther in life. 

I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you. 

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. I've learned to love and be loved. 

I've learned. 

[Omer B. Washington]

by carlos

Mixed feelings, travels and finally letting go

Rythm of My Heart - Rod Stewart

I'm on my way to Chico and I am very torn as to why I’m going and how long I really want to stay.

Part of me wants to find a job and stay up there for as long as I can.  I miss Chico itself more than I thought I would, the friends left there, the places where we hung out are still important to me, or at least as important as all the places where I’ve been for any length of time.

Another part of me, however, questions the wisdom of coming back so soon after I had the rug pulled from under me.  I know I want to visit friends and enjoy hanging out with them; the hurt is still there,  particularly when I’m going to have to see some of the people who caused the hurt (I can avoid some of them but others share office with people I do want to see) and I’m not sure if I’m completely ready for that

(2/12) It’s been a very relaxing , quiet and peaceful week so far. I’m coming to realize that I should be happy that things played out the way they did. Even if I’m trying hard to understand the why, the fact that they happened hastened choices that I’ve been waiting to make, in some cases for the last 8+ years.

JAG - Fair Winds and Following Seas (last 7 minutes)

The last 7 minutes of JAG have always struck me as a mirror of life, of changes and of moving forward; of the realization that Chico was hell of a lot more than a job and a group of friends… it was also a period about learning about myself in terms of relationships… the limits of what I would do or wouldn’t do for someone and another object lesson in the fragility of a human heart and how much it sucks having to rebuild over and over.

JAG Video - What Becomes of the Brokenhearted

I’ve said it elsewhere, I think I’m ready to move out of California. That’s part of the reason why I’m looking at places other than California to either go to school or work. When I moved to California at the end of 1997 I told mom that it would be for about 6 months while I regrouped and decided what was going to happen… Well, that was 11.5 years ago, a little long to make choices as to where you’re going next, right?

Even Now
Dashboard Confessional (NCIS Soundtrack)

Even now I can smell your clothes, freshly from the wash,
Still hot from the dryer.
Even now I can smell your skin, as I wrap you in a towel,
Lay you on the bed, and try to love you.
Even now I can feel your arms, I can feel your breasts,
I can hear your songs

And I always can find you again

Even now I can feel your hand, gently over mine,
With almost no weight at all.
Even now I can feel your eyes, watch me as I strum,
Much too late at night.
Even now I can see you smile, I can hear you hum,
I can hear you sing.

And I always can find you again
And I always can find you again

These new searches have prompted a lot more introspection than I would have normally done while saddled with something I really didn’t like to do but was too stupid to leave and, you know what? The person coming out of this is much better than the one who was there before.

(2/14/2009) I tend to see change as an evil thing that needs to be avoided and, if it can’t be avoided, then it has to be controlled at all cost. Intellectually, I know that change is unavoidable but, as with many things in my life, the emotional response sometimes appears as a spontaneous defense mechanism.

Same thing with this transition period. I’m lashing out to people as a defense mechanism. I’m scared shitless and I like that as much as I would like being caught naked in the middle of times square.  I don’t have control over what comes next and that makes me crankier than usual.  I face the possibility of rejection and of having to adapt to what’s coming next without it being what I really want.

The dice is cast, I just hope that my roll was high enough to actually hit the target (gamer dork in action 🙂 )