Mixed feelings, travels and finally letting go

Rythm of My Heart - Rod Stewart

I'm on my way to Chico and I am very torn as to why I’m going and how long I really want to stay.

Part of me wants to find a job and stay up there for as long as I can.  I miss Chico itself more than I thought I would, the friends left there, the places where we hung out are still important to me, or at least as important as all the places where I’ve been for any length of time.

Another part of me, however, questions the wisdom of coming back so soon after I had the rug pulled from under me.  I know I want to visit friends and enjoy hanging out with them; the hurt is still there,  particularly when I’m going to have to see some of the people who caused the hurt (I can avoid some of them but others share office with people I do want to see) and I’m not sure if I’m completely ready for that

(2/12) It’s been a very relaxing , quiet and peaceful week so far. I’m coming to realize that I should be happy that things played out the way they did. Even if I’m trying hard to understand the why, the fact that they happened hastened choices that I’ve been waiting to make, in some cases for the last 8+ years.

JAG - Fair Winds and Following Seas (last 7 minutes)

The last 7 minutes of JAG have always struck me as a mirror of life, of changes and of moving forward; of the realization that Chico was hell of a lot more than a job and a group of friends… it was also a period about learning about myself in terms of relationships… the limits of what I would do or wouldn’t do for someone and another object lesson in the fragility of a human heart and how much it sucks having to rebuild over and over.

JAG Video - What Becomes of the Brokenhearted

I’ve said it elsewhere, I think I’m ready to move out of California. That’s part of the reason why I’m looking at places other than California to either go to school or work. When I moved to California at the end of 1997 I told mom that it would be for about 6 months while I regrouped and decided what was going to happen… Well, that was 11.5 years ago, a little long to make choices as to where you’re going next, right?

Even Now
Dashboard Confessional (NCIS Soundtrack)

Even now I can smell your clothes, freshly from the wash,
Still hot from the dryer.
Even now I can smell your skin, as I wrap you in a towel,
Lay you on the bed, and try to love you.
Even now I can feel your arms, I can feel your breasts,
I can hear your songs

And I always can find you again

Even now I can feel your hand, gently over mine,
With almost no weight at all.
Even now I can feel your eyes, watch me as I strum,
Much too late at night.
Even now I can see you smile, I can hear you hum,
I can hear you sing.

And I always can find you again
And I always can find you again

These new searches have prompted a lot more introspection than I would have normally done while saddled with something I really didn’t like to do but was too stupid to leave and, you know what? The person coming out of this is much better than the one who was there before.

(2/14/2009) I tend to see change as an evil thing that needs to be avoided and, if it can’t be avoided, then it has to be controlled at all cost. Intellectually, I know that change is unavoidable but, as with many things in my life, the emotional response sometimes appears as a spontaneous defense mechanism.

Same thing with this transition period. I’m lashing out to people as a defense mechanism. I’m scared shitless and I like that as much as I would like being caught naked in the middle of times square.  I don’t have control over what comes next and that makes me crankier than usual.  I face the possibility of rejection and of having to adapt to what’s coming next without it being what I really want.

The dice is cast, I just hope that my roll was high enough to actually hit the target (gamer dork in action 🙂 )