Random Notes on the way to Georgia

I guess it’s finally sinking in that I’m moving to Georgia. Until now it was an academic thinking exercise. I’m packed and waiting in SFO waiting for the plane to take off, another hour and a quarter before they start lining up people for the controlled chaos of boarding an airplane.

You’ve got to have the courage to close your eyes and jump in the dark aware that you may land on your face and have to get up smiling

After all, you’re probably going to have to do it again tomorrow.

The more more I think about it the more I realize that it’s a matter of mindset.  I can’t blame anyone but myself for the choices I’ve made and it’s time that I accept the consequences of these choices.

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This also caught my attention (again)

When setting out on a journey, do not seek advice from those who have never left home

-- Rumi

As much as I hate change I’m starting to really realize how good this change is for my soul.  I’m eager for things to happen again and I haven’t been eager and looking forward in a long time.

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I wonder if I should go for a 3 bedroom townhouse rather than the 2 bedroom apartment and leave the 3rd room as my library/workout room… I guess we’ll have to see how things work out.

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Tori Amos’ A sort of fairy tale has been stuck in my mind for the last couple weeks, particularly the chorus

and I’m too sad
like a good book
I can’t put
this day back
a sort of fairy tale
with you
a sort of fairy tale
with you

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Professionally I have to wonder how things are going to work out. That’s the biggest fear I have. Relocation itself doesn’t bother me as much as not knowing what work will be like.

Fear of change is bad enough but when you add unknowns and uncertainties that’s where I hit the “it’s fucked up” button and want to do something different.

Although I made my choice last week I had to formally commit to it today....  It is starting to finally sink in that I'm moving to Georgia in the next few weeks!

It's about 50% scary, 50% exciting and about 200% overdue. The more I think about it the more I feel it's the right thing to do. I don't know if I'm using this as a justification but I keep going back to when I first moved to California in 1997 and had firm plans of just staying here for a couple years to regroup and then figure out what I was going to do moving forward.  That was almost 13 years ago.

For a long time now I've felt stagnant... as if I had lost my sense of direction and was hoping to find where I wanted to go. But now that I think I've found where I want to go I've also realized how powerful is comfort; how much you want to keep things the way they are rather than have to start all over again in a new place with a new set of people and circumstances... even if that's what I want, or what I say I want.

When I applied for the job and later when I interviewed for it, I did it in the expectation that I was not going to get it. I had already arranged for things to move on in case it didn't work out, as I was expecting it not to.

I know, I know. I was preparing for the disappointment of not getting what I wanted and it's frighteningly easy to get in that pattern. I now understand why my mom was pushing me in the direction that she was pushing me on... not because the job itself was important but because I had to move in some direction rather than stay static the way I was.

It's funny but since I made the decision that I was leaving I don't really want to leave anymore. In the end the second thoughts will only make my life harder both here and once I move. If you're going to do it (and you will do it sooner rather than later) it has to be without regrets. You chose to do this and you need to accept the consequences.... Whatever they may be.

I intend to spend a day taking photographs so I can take them with me and remember the good things about California. But, just as important is not to forget the bad and the reasons why I'm leaving.

Credits (in order of appearance):

• carf