Although I made my choice last week I had to formally commit to it today.... It is starting to finally sink in that I'm moving to Georgia in the next few weeks!
It's about 50% scary, 50% exciting and about 200% overdue. The more I think about it the more I feel it's the right thing to do. I don't know if I'm using this as a justification but I keep going back to when I first moved to California in 1997 and had firm plans of just staying here for a couple years to regroup and then figure out what I was going to do moving forward. That was almost 13 years ago.
For a long time now I've felt stagnant... as if I had lost my sense of direction and was hoping to find where I wanted to go. But now that I think I've found where I want to go I've also realized how powerful is comfort; how much you want to keep things the way they are rather than have to start all over again in a new place with a new set of people and circumstances... even if that's what I want, or what I say I want.
When I applied for the job and later when I interviewed for it, I did it in the expectation that I was not going to get it. I had already arranged for things to move on in case it didn't work out, as I was expecting it not to.
I know, I know. I was preparing for the disappointment of not getting what I wanted and it's frighteningly easy to get in that pattern. I now understand why my mom was pushing me in the direction that she was pushing me on... not because the job itself was important but because I had to move in some direction rather than stay static the way I was.
It's funny but since I made the decision that I was leaving I don't really want to leave anymore. In the end the second thoughts will only make my life harder both here and once I move. If you're going to do it (and you will do it sooner rather than later) it has to be without regrets. You chose to do this and you need to accept the consequences.... Whatever they may be.
I intend to spend a day taking photographs so I can take them with me and remember the good things about California. But, just as important is not to forget the bad and the reasons why I'm leaving.
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