Restless (WIP)

No words, My tears won't make any room for more,
And it don't hurt, like anything I've ever felt before, 
this is No broken heart,
No familiar scars,
This territory goes uncharted...

Just me, in a room sunk down in a house in a town, and I
Don't breathe, no I never meant to let it get away from me
Now, too much to hold, everybody wants has to get their hands on gold,
And I want uncharted.
Stuck under this ceiling I made, I can't help but feeling...

I'm going down,
Follow if you want, I won't just hang around,
Like you'll show me where to go,
I'm already out, of foolproof ideas, so don't ask me how
To get started, it's all uncharted.

Uncharted – Sara Bareilles

I'm envious.

I'm envious of the people who seem to have it all together. The people who can set really aggressive goals and really work towards them. People who can leave everything behind and accept that the world doesn't revolve around them (or at least not completely around them) and who can see beyond themselves and serve others while doing what they want.

I'm envious I'm not in that group... at least not yet.

As I wrote elsewhere, I thought that moving out of my comfort zone would make me happy. It has but it also prompted a lot of questions. Some new and some old friends who are coming for repeat visits. I think that it's good, especially now, to start dissecting some of these questions as the answers will inform decisions that I'll make over the next few months and years.

Who are you?

The standard answer to that is: I'm a soon-to-be-36-year-old Chilean transplant who has been living in the US since 1994.

I have a bachelor degree in general studies from Central College in Pella, Iowa and a Master's degree in Instructional Technology from San Jose State University. I completed coursework in applied anthropology but decided it was time to get back to the real world and get a job. Still on the fence about more graduate school and on what field.

I lived in Vermont while I went to school in Iowa and then lived in California until July, 2010 when I moved to Carrollton, Georgia to take a job as an instructional designer at the University of West Georgia. I expect to move to Atlanta next summer so I can be close to the things I want to do and the people I want to be close to.

I am the only child of my parent's marriage. My dad had two kids before he married my mom; I don't consider them relatives... we just happen to share half our gene pool. My dad passed away from cirrhosis of the liver about 7 years ago... He was 57. My mom lives in California and remarried twice here in the US. She is now single.

I graduated high school in Chile... From Saint George's College. I also did a year of film school, long enough to realize I didn't really want to do that for a career. When I moved to the US I decided to commit to theater as a career... didn't work out either

It can also be said that I'm defined by my hobbies.

  • I train for endurance sport;. I have a 70.3 race the weekend of my birthday and depending on the result of the race on the 26th I'll decide if I'm training for a full Ironman race in 2011. If I do it we'll be training for Ironman Arizona with the Team in Training Iron Team.
  • I practice Japanese martial arts; I am sho dan in Naginata and want to take up Kyudo when I get a car to drive to Atlanta. I also want to find a place where I can start a Naginata dojo here in Georgia.
  • I love miniature war gaming and have extensive collections on the two primary game systems I play and intend to rebuild the army for the third game system in the near future.
  • I love photography. I should dust off the camera and start taking pictures around the university and around town.

The more honest answer is that I still don't know even after 36 years.

I've asked this question several times over but until recently I have not been able to provide an answer that I happy with. In the past I've been able to derive glimpses of an answer by defining who I'm not and that's a good starting point but it is not an answer.

Over the next few months I hope to dwell deeper into the answers to this and other questions as a way to build a life that is meaningful beyond immediate satisfaction.

What do you want?

I wake up to the sunshine out my window and the passin' sound of a homeless man
Singin' an ol' Cole Porter song
The faucet leaks, the TV's on the blink again
But my restless dreams are still intact
Even though it's takin' way too long
Got a hundred dollars in a coke tin on my shelf
And I'm thinkin' to myself, whoa

These are the days you will remember for the rest of your life
These are the memories you'll pack in a box and pull 'em out sometimes
So pick your flowers, count the seconds, roll the dice
But baby, don't wait 'till its too late
Put a smile on your face
These are the days

These are the days – Jo Dee Messina

Like Queen used to sing I want it all and I want it now but we all know that it ain't gonna happen and perhaps that is a good thing. Having to choose and prioritize what I want will help me further decide who I am and what I want.

I want freedom.

  • I want freedom to live life the way I want to and not be tied up by other people's definitions and ideas of what I should be doing or where should I be. I guess that's why AONC caught my attention... It answered a lot of questions and generated a lot more questions as to what it means to live life in your terms.
  • I want to explore the word by traveling and learning as much as possible. I'm a culture whore and it's time I star living like one. Need to save and prepare for whatever it is that the future brings.
  • I want the freedom to make a difference (and find out where do I need to be and what do I need to learn in order to make a difference). My friend Lorea may be a good source of information in this department.
  • I want the freedom to go to places people don't usually go to and do things that are completely non conventional. I want to be able to do things spur of the moment without having to worry where the money is coming from.

What do you have to offer?

That's always been the question I've had the hardest problems with. How to answer in it without sounding or being arrogant? When growing up I'd reserve the worst of my tirades for those of my classmates I perceived as arrogant asses.

But there might be a difference between being arrogant and acknowledging that you are skilled at something. I am a good communicator, I can train people in almost anything and can build rapport with them quicker than most people.

Beyond that... I'm still working on identifying what else do I have to offer.

Why do you want it?

Besides the fact that I'm getting awfully close to 40 there has alway been a void in my life. vie always known there's something missing but I've never been able to identify what it is or how to work towards it.

For a while I thought that doing work for my church in California would be the answer but, to be honest, the attitude of the church on things like prop 8 soured my opinion of the specific individuals and of the church in general.

And it wasn't just this one particular church but the fact that evangelical Christians were the main sponsors of prop 8 and the main financial backers of prop 8 were the Mormons! You should hear Christian apologist talk about Mormonism to understand why the level of hypocrisy bothers me so much. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but I still think that if Jesus were here today he would be preaching against that level of hate.

now I want to go out in the world because I think I can make a difference even if it's a small impact it'll be important to someone down the road. I just need to figure out the what and where.

What do you believe in?

  • I believe that people are essentially good. We become bad/evil because of the environment and those people around us
  • I believe that an individual can make a difference.
  • I believe that we can all achieve happiness. It is not just material things but also in the way that we serve others.
  • I believe that we’re all going to find that special someone and start a long-term relationship. Maybe as a married couple or maybe not but if I’ve learned anything over the last few years is that marriage does not imply a committed relationship.
  • I believe that honesty is the most important quality in a human being; even more so than money.
  • I believe in being fair to all people.

What are you willing to give up to get what you want?

The moment we refuse to give up power (or whatever kind) that has been given to us then we need to recalibrate our priorities.

We ought to stop hoarding material things. We should never put things ahead of people.

Monetary rewards if it means I get to help someone.

How strong are your beliefs.

I want to think that I would stand up for what I believe no matter what. "There is no bigger gift than to give you life for your fellow men."

I also want to believe that I am not judgmental, at least I try not to be. There are times when I fail miserably and I know there are times when I don't even try and where my prejudices are worn on my sleeve.

This op/ed piece from the NY Times gave me even more to think in that department. How many times are we so judgmental about those who are different or who hold a different opinion than we do.