Month / July 2011
Step by Step
It's been about a month since I came out from surgery with the pump still attached to my stomach and about 3 weeks since I've been able to exercise again. It's felt like forever and a couple weeks. I started working out as soon as I felt it was safe (and my mom would let me) after the surgery and I'm almost to the point where I feel I'm back on the saddle.
I've learned the benefits of patience as I get back onto the team's dynamics and distance. In the old days I would have pushed as hard as possible maybe even before I was ready physically and emotionally. I almost dropped out of the team because I didn't think I could do it.... I wanted the reassurance that I wasn't going to die on the road in Tempe come November. Both Mike and Mary reassured me that I would be ready and now, a couple weeks later, I'm finally starting to believe they are right... it took beating the shit out myself today (0716) in a 3k swim and a 45 mile the following day (0717) to prove to myself that I can do this...
I've always targeted the swim to 2 hours or less. Mike Gaw, who did the swim with us, predicted my swim in the 1:50:00 range... exactly what I was looking for. It's not just the validation (I've only been out of surgery for a month) but it's also my finally accepting that all the training I've done was worth it and is allowing me to produce results a lot sooner than I thought I would.
Saturday's ride wasn't hard but it wasn't easy either. It was windy and that made my legs have to work harder and harder. I'm still not fully comfortable riding on a bike that is light enough to be pushed around when the wind gets too hard or it may be that the rider is also lighter and not putting too much weight on the bike to counteract the wind 🙂
I wrote this on Friday when I was finally cleared for unrestricted physical activity:
it feels so amazing to be able to do things without holding back and actually pushing yourself to see how far you can go. No more holding back, no more being careful that you'll get a hernia, no more being afraid if you're going to make it to Arizona or not.
And I meant every word on that post. I honestly did
One of the worst things you can do to me (until now) is to make things random and unpredictable. Over the last few months I've come to accept that the world works on unpredictability, that there are so many shades of gray in this big world that if you can't deal with surprises you will be taken over by people who can.
What are you afraid of?
In case you didn't notice I'm on Lady Antebellum kick this week(end). Reading one of the prompts in the wheel of life exercise made me realize something (again) I'm terrified of opening myself up to people so that they'll hurt me and rip me to shreds and then move on with their own lives. It doesn't have to be that way but, in the end, that's how the cards have played and I'm not really looking forward to put myself through that grinder again.
But who do you turn to when things get rough? Who do you turn to when the shit hits the fan and you need to vent? And who will you do that for in return? I think you're really good at being the shoulder people cry on but you're really bad at accepting help and letting others take care of you when you need to. Yes, you are a control freak but even control freaks needs help once in a while and, the smart ones, accept the help from others
This song makes a compelling argument why I should. Listen to it and tell me what you think.
Trust30: Ordinary Things
“Every artist was first an amateur.”
To be an artist one has to find beauty in ordinary things. Find 10 things of great beauty in the landscape that surrounds you. For example, crumple sheets on your bed in the morning, the smell of coffee making its way around a busy office.
(Author: Ana Guardia)
I love the smell of wet earth while cycling in the rain.
I love the way a dog plays with you while you think you're petting them.
I love coming out of the office to rain in the middle of summer
I love the way my legs wobble after a hard run or a hard workout
I love to let my mind wander and find the little nuggets of wisdom I've learned that day
Trust30: Deep in Your Soul
“I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
What message is yearning inside you? What is something you know deep in your soul? Don’t look for someone else to describe it. You do it. Write it down. Write it as a poem, a sentence or even just a string of words. Just make sure you get it to paper.
(Author: Michael McFadden)
Does fuck you count? I've fought really hard to stay positive and I'm not finding my reason to be.
“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson
One definition of legacy is what someone feels, thinks and says when they hear your name. What are you doing today to build the legacy you want?
(Author: Tim Belber)
I would like to think that people will remember me fondly as someone who had impact on their lives. I've always tried to follow Baden Powell's maxim to leave the world better than how you found it yet there are times when that is so hard; there are times when I want to to flip the bird to anything, everything, everyone and just go back to the mancave and not leave it for a few weeks.
That's the challenge, to care enough to want to make a difference but not so much that you'll end up hating yourself when things don't work the way you want them to.
Scout Basett has always been an inspiration. Not only as an athlete but as a person as well.
It would have been so easy to give up and to just say look and pity me. I lost a leg and lived in an orphanage for years in a country where little girls are looked as a burden but look at where she is now... UCLA student and triathlete.
Trust30: Mirror, Mirror
“Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Mirror, mirror on the wall… find the nearest mirror. Look. Keep looking for 3 minutes. Write about what you see.
(Author: Esther Poyer)
I'm getting old, man.
Not in the sense of chronological age (I know that 36, soon to be 37, is not old)
I've lost a lot of passion for what I'm doing... my interest span is getting shorter and shorter and I need to figure out not just what I'm doing but also why am I doing it. I'm looking back at all the dreams that I had and how much they've changed and, some, vanished from the mind's eye.
Endurance sports are my way of not accepting that I'm 37.
I keep my hair short because I don't want to see the white sideburns anymore. Just remember that by the time he was 40 your old man was completely white.
I want to be Peter Pan, damn it!
Trust30: Nothing to Lose
“Self-censorship is not just self-betrayal and self-abandonment (which would be bad enough), but soul-betrayal and betrayal of our Muse, out inner voice, our highest self.”
Too often we censor ourselves, our actions, and our work in hope or fear of what might happen if we otherwise don’t. What words would you write today, and what actions would you take, if you had nothing to fear, nothing to lose?
(Author: Tanner Christensen)
Most likely I would call on people for being bitches. I am thinking about someone at work in particular and how much I'd like to tell her to go do some unprintable things and that I'm glad to be gone from anywhere near her.
Baselines: Life Design and Life Planning
Rush themed post, in case you hadn't noticed 😛
What do I want and how do I plan on getting there. That seems to be the question on my mind lately... but the question itself won't do me any good unless I can provide answers... to the questions I've already asked and those that I have yet to ask.
As planned, my last day will be November 10th. I don't see a need to stay any further and I hate to already have worn my welcome as thin as I did as quickly as I did. Truth be told I don't want to be here... I don't fit the system and I'm tired of having hysterical people around me who think that, because it's ok for them to work 60 hours a week it's ok for everyone to do so. I love working for my current boss but a recent incident proved that it's not enough to like working with some people and not others... because we are a team one person not liking another breaks the whole team dynamics.
There was another incident that happened last week that really makes me uncertain as to role and place in this team. I was asked what kind of instructional designer I was and then there was a long conversation between our dean and my boss as to what would the characteristics of their ideal person would be... I don't think I'm it and if I'm not then I don't want to be here (again)
Do or do not. There is no try - Yoda
We'll try a different strategy this time.... We'll just go for it and not worry about falling flat on our faces; after all it won't be the first and it won't be the last time. Worry about being happy and worry about making a difference. Karma will sort the rest because, as much of a bitch as karma is, at least it's a fair bitch who will give you what you deserve.
We don’t beat the reaper by living longer, we beat the reaper by living well and living fully
Both Time Stands Still and Marathon remind me (again) that life will wait for no one. There is no "stop the world, I wanna get out" option. You get to play the cards given to you... what you do with them is up to you for better or worse.
Fear is a great motivator, if you let it, if you don't stop whenever things get tough. Life's challenge is a limited time offer. Either you get it now or you loose it buddy 🙂
Right now I'm afraid that I'll end up fired before I'm ready to move back. I'm afraid, once again, of being irrelevant, of not having a real purpose while going into the office from 8 to 5 and then off to training and to do the things that are really important right now.
But, you know what? This time I'm ready to take it as it comes... I'm tried of being afraid and I'm tired of holding myself back
I am trying to figure out what I want and what I can offer. I even did a mindmap of where would I want to be to do it. Location independence is nice but it's not the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is to have enough income and a schedule that is flexible enough to allow me to do the crazy stuff I want to do.
Dreaming is big but it also has to be grounded. The chorus for Presto reminds me of those dualities. "I'm not one to believe in magic, but I sometimes have a second sight."
We'll see if it works this time 😛
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