I thought I was going to be more reluctant about leaving Georgia and I'm not. Part of me is sad and part of me is really glad to be on the way back to California

The part that is sad is going to miss the team and the relationships I built there. It was the one positive of the year in exile: Now I know I can do it and where I need to push harder to get my Ironman goal. It will not be the only Ironman by any stretch of the imagination. I want to do more than one but I have to learn whether I can do it or not, whether the Ironman is the limit I've been searching for.

The part that doesn't regret leaving is tired of educational politics. It is sick of how people use employees to the last and then discard them like dirty paper towels.

I offered both communication and trust and got slapped hard for it. Would I do it differently... I would have said no more often; I would have observed more and done less (as sucky as that idea is) and would have definitely not said as much as I did to the people I said it to.

What I've learned

I've learned, again, that it's the long-term goal what really matters. The short term is nice when/if it happens but it's not the ultimate goal. It doesn't matter if you get your 30 day goal if that means you'll loose the goal for the year. Yes, you work with the information you have available at the time but there is a large degree of trust and faith involved on it.

Unless it's to go back to school I'm not moving out of California.

Never, ever again work for a friend or someone who calls him/herself my friend.

I continue to learn what I don't want to be as a team leader or manager. I still believe in communication and trust. I believe in standing by the people who work for/with you

Moving forward (again)

I applied for a job just because it seemed interesting and because I wanted to try and bounce as quickly as possible.

With my foot injury I realize that I shouldn't try and rush things. If I get the job that's great but it's not and end on itself. I'm working on a website or two and also a couple of ebooks to show I can do it. We'll see where it goes from there...

Train's save me San Francisco resonates a lot right now because it tells my story. I let myself loose sight of the long term goal for the short term gain. And it's also cautionary tale as to how far and hard you should push in order to achieve your goals.

Work hard at generating income. The biggest problem with freelancing and location independent work is to get the first few leads/jobs that will allow me to establish my credentials. Let's see how they work 🙂

The more I learn about the reasons why I was fired (no matter how you phrase it and how you point out that I resigned, I did so under duress so it amounts to the same thing in my book) the angrier I get and the more I stand by decision to move back to California, regroup and decide what's next. Having allowed the termination letter to go forward would have meant that I agreed with the reasons why I was terminated, I most certainly do not.

I have no doubt who complained to my chain of command and eventually got me fired. I'm sad that she thought it necessary to lie and distort facts to get her way but it doesn't surprise me anymore. She's just as likely to feed me to the lions than to help me and 'defend' me (and in the few times when she defended me she neglected to tell me she had done so and why I had screwed up.)

So now the question is what's next. That I'm moving back to California was never in doubt, the only thing holding me here is the IronTeam but I can't really afford to stay either emotionally or financially.

Emotionally the betrayal is still fresh in my mind; I'm here alone and without any friends other than my teammates an hour away; I miss all my friends and want to spend time with them again; I want to explore avenues of change and growth that are impossible to do here.

Financially I have to settle and continue searching for a job and save my ass off so I can do 2012 the way I want to. I want to do the STP bike classic and the Tahoe Century, I want to train hard for my bridge to bridge and my attempt at qualifying for Long Course nationals on the mile. I want to do Pacific Grove with TNT again. That all costs money and I need a way to generate it. Location independence is nice but it shouldn't come out of desperation... it should come out of planning and careful consideration. Right now I have no money whatsoever to do what I need to do... therefore I need to generate that income first and then take the plunge.

So what's next?

See if I can generate the necessary income for Arizona on my own. Even if I don't race I want to be there to support the team that has been so important in keeping me happy and sane.

See if I can get a job in the near future. this is not essential but it would be nice to have in order to bankroll everything else myself rather than have to ask mom for everything.

After the cast

After breaking a bone in my foot on Saturday (8/13) I'm having to reassess priorities for the longer term too. Do I want to continue with the plans that I had for 2012 and leave IM for 2013? Or do I want to push on for IM Canada, IM Arizona or Vineman for 2012 and push the other goals for 2013? Part of the issue will be when do I get my foot fully healed. It'll require PT and lots of it and it'll require for me to find my passion again... am I doing it because I really want to do it or am I doing it because I feel I have something left to prove? are they one and the same?

And then what happens to the plans I had for next year? what about the Bay Bridge to Golden Gate swim? what about trying to qualify for LC Nationals on the 1500? What about STP? I want to do IM Arizona so bad that I can't believe I'm not going to do it this time; I'm afraid that if I don't do it this time or as soon as it becomes possible to do it, I'll always be asking myself if I could have done it or not.