The more I learn about the reasons why I was fired (no matter how you phrase it and how you point out that I resigned, I did so under duress so it amounts to the same thing in my book) the angrier I get and the more I stand by decision to move back to California, regroup and decide what's next. Having allowed the termination letter to go forward would have meant that I agreed with the reasons why I was terminated, I most certainly do not.
I have no doubt who complained to my chain of command and eventually got me fired. I'm sad that she thought it necessary to lie and distort facts to get her way but it doesn't surprise me anymore. She's just as likely to feed me to the lions than to help me and 'defend' me (and in the few times when she defended me she neglected to tell me she had done so and why I had screwed up.)
So now the question is what's next. That I'm moving back to California was never in doubt, the only thing holding me here is the IronTeam but I can't really afford to stay either emotionally or financially.
Emotionally the betrayal is still fresh in my mind; I'm here alone and without any friends other than my teammates an hour away; I miss all my friends and want to spend time with them again; I want to explore avenues of change and growth that are impossible to do here.
Financially I have to settle and continue searching for a job and save my ass off so I can do 2012 the way I want to. I want to do the STP bike classic and the Tahoe Century, I want to train hard for my bridge to bridge and my attempt at qualifying for Long Course nationals on the mile. I want to do Pacific Grove with TNT again. That all costs money and I need a way to generate it. Location independence is nice but it shouldn't come out of desperation... it should come out of planning and careful consideration. Right now I have no money whatsoever to do what I need to do... therefore I need to generate that income first and then take the plunge.
So what's next?
See if I can generate the necessary income for Arizona on my own. Even if I don't race I want to be there to support the team that has been so important in keeping me happy and sane.
See if I can get a job in the near future. this is not essential but it would be nice to have in order to bankroll everything else myself rather than have to ask mom for everything.
After the cast
After breaking a bone in my foot on Saturday (8/13) I'm having to reassess priorities for the longer term too. Do I want to continue with the plans that I had for 2012 and leave IM for 2013? Or do I want to push on for IM Canada, IM Arizona or Vineman for 2012 and push the other goals for 2013? Part of the issue will be when do I get my foot fully healed. It'll require PT and lots of it and it'll require for me to find my passion again... am I doing it because I really want to do it or am I doing it because I feel I have something left to prove? are they one and the same?
And then what happens to the plans I had for next year? what about the Bay Bridge to Golden Gate swim? what about trying to qualify for LC Nationals on the 1500? What about STP? I want to do IM Arizona so bad that I can't believe I'm not going to do it this time; I'm afraid that if I don't do it this time or as soon as it becomes possible to do it, I'll always be asking myself if I could have done it or not.