I had forgotten what it feels like not to get early on Saturday just to get the pool on time for a workout and I had forgotten what it was like not to be on a schedule for training or anything really.

Season is barely over and I'm having my letdown phase until I can figure out what I'm doing next... STP and swimming are starting to sound like the winners for 2013 and then IM something (and IM 70.3 Canada and maybe a couple 70.3 races somewhere).... the promise I made to myself of my first IM before 40 is still on but now that I can calmly reflect on PG this year (see the race report if you want to know more) I realize that the "Ironman at all cost" mentality is not a healthy one either.

Do what you want to do not what you feel obligated to do... it's a subtle difference but it is also an important one.

You want to do an IM, I guess it's the only distance left to do so I can answer my existential question. How far can I go before my body tells me I have to stop? How hard do I need to push and how deep do I need to dig in to carry out my goals? Yet this is different that the feeling of "I have to do this". You don't have to but you really want to.

So what happens if your leg fails again, a lot more likely now that it's still not as strong as it used to be, during the race or during training? How much farther behind will that set you?

Which is why I'm thinking I'll concentrate on Cycling and Swimming for this cycle and worry about IM and running for my 40th birthday. STP as my primary event and the Shanteau Swim for Your Life as my B event sound like a good starting point as long as I can figure out the logistics... it'll be fun to see Mike and my Georgia friends once again and it'll also help me get to the harder goals that I set for myself for year 40 😀

Lots of oldies have popped up on my mind lately too. Anime, music (anime and non-anime) and memories.

I've been thinking about my dad and the ghosts that still haunt me. As hard as I try I still can complete rid myself of the what ifs about his life and my relationship with him.

Not having to worry about training or Team Clinic as much anymore has allowed me to park my ass in bed with the laptop on my lap and revisit some old friends. Macross 7, Silent Mobius, Ghost in the Shell (both movies and Stand Alone Complex) and Kimagure Orange Road among others.

But that is about to change... I hope :-). Tomorrow (10/11 for those keeping track) I have an Interview at FireEye in Milpitas and I have to admit that it's been a damn long time since I was as excited as I am today.... back to 1998 in fact. It's not just the fact that it's a job but it's also a very challenging and it gives me the chance to look at things from the ground up again and, heaven knows, that's not something that happens often, at least not now.

I've been thinking about my dad a lot lately. I don't know if it's because it'll be 10 years since he passed away this December or if, as I get closer to landing the job at FireEye I have to wonder, again, if I could have made a difference with what happened to him and whether my actions or lack of action had an impact on what happened. Intellectually I know it wouldn't have. I think by the time I worried about him he was too far gone down the bottle for anyone to have made much of a difference but there is a big chasm between knowing something in your brain and knowing it in your heart.

I miss him like I never thought I would. I wonder what he'd think about my current relationship or about triathlons and martial arts and my naturalizing as a US citizen.... I want to think that he's looking down on me and being happy with what I've become and what I've accomplished... we will see each other again.

SO now that I have an idea of what I want to do it's time to get down to the planning stages... what and how do I best set myself up for success now that I have a relationship that I want to keep and grow and a job that I have to dedicate my time and resources to? I'm starting to think that the 5 or 6 am swim is not a terrible idea after all and then plan cycling around the times when you're not swimming or at work... if I decide to do it with TNT at least the team workouts are every other Saturday 🙂

I'll be joining MVM as soon as I get a paycheck and with it the means to sustain a quarterly membership. And then it's swim and ride and swim and ride until we're done with the challenge for 2013... The other big part is how am I going to include my partner in these new adventures 🙂