Month / January 2013

by carlos

Dreams and reality

I'm back at Team Clinic and I'm feeling like the old saying “the more things change, the more they stay the same”.

It's reaffirming and scary to have set the goals you did. It is reaffirming because after the accident and the surgery I was really hesitant to try again. Pacific Grove, as good as it was, was a wake up call in terms if being smart about how you push yourself.

AMBBR, Pacific Grove and the San Diego Triathlon Challenge are my best estimate regarding where i'm going to be financially, mentally and emotionally by those points of the year.

As to the why, i think you know the answer and then again the new answer may surprise you 🙂

I need to get back to the quest about limits... It'll be more of a challenge but hopefully I've spaced it smart enough.

But it's also about balance... I have no doubt that I can do the events if that's all I get to do. Now the question is whether I can balance a training schedule with work and a relationship.

News at 11 🙂

I've also decided to push myself mentally by picking programming again. JavaScript, python and java this year. Not to a master level but enough to be able to solve moderately difficult problems and to be able to work with the platforms behind the languages:

- Django for python
- Node for JavaScript
- Struts for Java.

Although I have to admit that with Java I'm more interested in learning how to extend Ant than anything else but I have to present a similar goal for all 3 or I'll stay with scripting and “easier” languages.p

So that's the challenge... Balance. Whether I’ll achieve it is anyone’s guess at this point

by carlos

Nostalgia

I'm having a serious case of nostalgia today.

It started Sunday with one of the most surreal dreams I've had in like forever.... It was an L-shaped pool and I was swimming and diving like I used to when I was little in Chile. For some reason I had asked a little kid who was sitting by the pool and he kept pushing me to move forward and to hurry up because he had other things to do... It took me back to when I was little and had first learned how to swim... who would have thought I would end up swimming, biking and running on triathlons 🙂

There is a U2 song that has always reminded of my dad. It made me think of the fact that his hair was white by the time he was 40 (and I'm 2 years away from that) and how much my feelings towards him have changed since I came to the US.

My dad was authoritarian to the extreme and I reveled against that. I wanted trust but did nothing to earn it. I chose confrontation instead of conversation... when he'd say no I'd figure out a way to circumvent his orders and do what I wanted anyways.

A couple years ago I chose to accept the good times and forget the bad ones. It was equal parts forgiveness, letting go and moving on with my own healing process of not being with him when he died. It hasn't always been easy but it has been necessary. My mom probably wouldn't believe it but it has made me more tolerant; it made me really give a shit when everyone else was telling me not to.

I now realize that he was afraid. He was always in control and when that was denied to him he would freak out and lash out to everyone around him. I've tried hard not to get to that level but I have to admit that the way I. Which I have been back stabbed make it hard to relinquish control... Even when the control was just an illusion.

He left himself alone. He made his life such that when the time came he was alone and actively pushing people away from him. I tried, I know there were women in his life who tried to get close and he didn't let them... just don't want to end up like that.

I'm reminded of friends today. One because of birthday and one because of travel wishes. I've kept pushing doing Ironman Pucón for years and I'm starting to think that I don't want to wait any longer. I think that next year will be the time to do it. The race also gives me the excuse I've been looking for to visit friends and get that piece of my life back.

There is something magical about sunrises. The magenta colors as the show themselves shyly through the dark blues and the way that even the clouds, threatening and dark, lighten up and disappear. How the dark night before it gives way to something that is full of possibilities and the uncertainty and the dreams that come out of it. Will it be the day when you become the book publisher you've dreamed of becoming or will this be the day when you finally decide to pursue a relationship without fear of baggage or rejection? Who knows but the key is to never be afraid and to always look at the future with a child's imagination.

by carlos

2012 in Review

2012 has been an interesting year as far as events are concerned. Relationships, friendships and so many other things have changed and evolved over the past 12 months that is hard to pick one as a starting point.

I started the year in a knee stroller with my leg cut open in two parts to finally fix the mess from my accident in 2011. It's not fully healed but it was enough to see me through my 6th triathlon and my 3rd event with TNT. It wasn't as good as I thought it'd be but considering all the crap I went through it was as good as it was going to be.

Relationship front: another clusterfuck year. Started and ended a relationship that was important enough for me to be hurt by how it ended. The fact that I didn't have my mom's support for the first time didn't help.

I got a job! And not only I got a job but it's pretty damn close to the dream job. More on it later.

What went well

As scared as I've been about my body in the last 12 months (surgery was on 12/22/11) about recovering my strength, stamina and determination for endurance sports. I was going to gently ease up on the recovery road with swimming and strength training.

Should have known that it wasn't going to be that easy 🙂

I was restless and still pissed for having missed Arizona with the Georgia team. But more than that, I was scared that this meant no more triathlons and no more time with friends I've made over the years.

I went to Front of the Pack (since closed) to get a new pair of goggles and the owner asked me out of the blue as if it was the most natural thing in the world which race I was going to do for recovery?

It was one of those instant decisions that probably have been on your mind all along and just crystalized when you spoke them aloud. I had gotten flyers and Facebook messages about the fall season starting and that it'd be Pacific Grove and Big Kahuna again.

Without even thinking about it I said Pac Grove. From that point on I was committed.

I can't tell you how amazing it was to be back with TNT and back at the place where it all began. I will never forget the first time I worked with TNT and completed Pac Grove for the first time in 2009. I completed 4 triathlons since... another one with TNT (Ironman Augusta [GA] 70.3) and another 3 on my own (Silicon valley MB Sprint ’09, Big Kahuna [CA] 70.3 and Rev 3 Olympic Triathlon in Knoxville, TN).

I'm not going to lie, I was as scared as I've been in a long time. Drew and Larry did an awesome job of holding me back just enough to make sure I wouldn't kill myself in the process of getting myself back up to speed.

It was a wonderful season with lots and lots of learning about myself in the process. One of the things that I learned that I will take with me... I was taught to be realistic in setting goals, be relentless in pursuing them and realistic when you are limited in what you can accomplish.

I got a job and it's a hell of a job! It was serendipity at its finest... And damn it's been a good run so far. Lisa, my boss, contacted me looking for someone to be her LMS administrator. A job is a job even if it wasn't what I had in mind at the time.

It's been a wild ride. One I never expected and one that has made me change the way I look at things. The amount of the reward is directly proportional to the effort that you put into the work.

I find myself in the enviable position of saving like crazy and being able to buying big ticket item a quarter for the next year or so and being able to afford TNT events and to think about the San Diego Triathlon Challenge without a guilty conscience. Life is more than penny pinching now!

What didn't go so well

I let myself think I was ready for a relationship. I really wanted to be ready but I wasn't and I hurt myself and someone else in the process. You have to ask yourself if you're ready for one or if friendships/casual relationships are what you really need/want at this point.

I had to face the possibility that what I need/want may not be the same as what mom sees as me needing/wanting. It is at the same time scary and liberating but it has made me rethink a lot about life and the differences between what we both want.

I think that what scared me the most this year was the possibility that my leg wouldn't be ready for me to do endurance sports again. Not that I ever was a sports guy but endurance sports have been my stabilizing keel as much as Naginata or just plain swimming and it terrified me not to have that keel anymore...

Lessons learned

One of my TNT coaches this year went through a heart surgery scare a year ago and posted this on Facebook last week.

I’ve led a good life, most especially in the last several years. I have been blessed beyond belief in so many ways. Please remember me by LIVING, go out and enjoy life! Don’t go crazy and be smart but smile, laugh, and think positive. Don’t be afraid. Challenge yourself. Take all the clichés and own them – there’s a reason they’re cliché! I am happy and content. There’s a lot I still want to do but there’s so much I have already done. I’ve had the two best kids a man can ask for. I’ve loved and been loved. I have friends and family close in heart. Chased my dreams, and even caught some! Written 5 books and several stories and notes. Done an Ironman and swam from Alcatraz. Coached some amazing people. I’ve learned so much, most importantly how to have peace inside and to love and like myself for who I am. I’ve been able to laugh and smile in the worst of times. Skydived, rode a bull, scuba dived, owned homes, and so, so much more. I made mistakes and have a few regrets but know I always did the best I could under the circumstances with what I had and knew at the time. Be kind, forgive, and please enjoy this world and this life while you have it. It is for doing this that I wish to be remembered, and hope that you all remember me fondly by going out and living too.

If this year has taught me anything is to enjoy life as it is rather than as you wish it was. There has been enough times when I've felt like shit and ready to just give up that this year has been refreshing just for the opportunities I've been given.

Being accepting of what life gives you doesn't mean that you're passive waiting for it to happen. The more you're out there, pursuing life and not letting life just go by the better the life it'll be.

If you want to love then love as hard as you can and as much as you can; you never know when they'll be gone

Plans for 2013

Continue working my ass off in the office.

  • AMMBBR with TNT
  • Fall Season Tri with TNT (Pacific Grove or Big Kahuna)
  • San Diego Triathlon Challenge

New Car 😀

More savings and get my Roth IRA started with at least 10k in by the end of the year.

I'll give relationships one more try. What shape that'll take is unknown... I may even join a dating site for a few months to see how it works out.

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