I'm having a serious case of nostalgia today.
It started Sunday with one of the most surreal dreams I've had in like forever.... It was an L-shaped pool and I was swimming and diving like I used to when I was little in Chile. For some reason I had asked a little kid who was sitting by the pool and he kept pushing me to move forward and to hurry up because he had other things to do... It took me back to when I was little and had first learned how to swim... who would have thought I would end up swimming, biking and running on triathlons 🙂
There is a U2 song that has always reminded of my dad. It made me think of the fact that his hair was white by the time he was 40 (and I'm 2 years away from that) and how much my feelings towards him have changed since I came to the US.
My dad was authoritarian to the extreme and I reveled against that. I wanted trust but did nothing to earn it. I chose confrontation instead of conversation... when he'd say no I'd figure out a way to circumvent his orders and do what I wanted anyways.
A couple years ago I chose to accept the good times and forget the bad ones. It was equal parts forgiveness, letting go and moving on with my own healing process of not being with him when he died. It hasn't always been easy but it has been necessary. My mom probably wouldn't believe it but it has made me more tolerant; it made me really give a shit when everyone else was telling me not to.
I now realize that he was afraid. He was always in control and when that was denied to him he would freak out and lash out to everyone around him. I've tried hard not to get to that level but I have to admit that the way I. Which I have been back stabbed make it hard to relinquish control... Even when the control was just an illusion.
He left himself alone. He made his life such that when the time came he was alone and actively pushing people away from him. I tried, I know there were women in his life who tried to get close and he didn't let them... just don't want to end up like that.
I'm reminded of friends today. One because of birthday and one because of travel wishes. I've kept pushing doing Ironman Pucón for years and I'm starting to think that I don't want to wait any longer. I think that next year will be the time to do it. The race also gives me the excuse I've been looking for to visit friends and get that piece of my life back.
There is something magical about sunrises. The magenta colors as the show themselves shyly through the dark blues and the way that even the clouds, threatening and dark, lighten up and disappear. How the dark night before it gives way to something that is full of possibilities and the uncertainty and the dreams that come out of it. Will it be the day when you become the book publisher you've dreamed of becoming or will this be the day when you finally decide to pursue a relationship without fear of baggage or rejection? Who knows but the key is to never be afraid and to always look at the future with a child's imagination.