Here’s to 40 and beyond

Our story is epic. Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined and blood shed.
-- Veronica Mars

Well, maybe not lives ruined and blood shed but you get the idea... they are officially here. I turn 40 today and I'm having really mixed feelings about them. I remember laughing at old people who were 25 yearas old... now I'm betting someone is laughing at me really hard... how can people even make it to 40

There are many things coming to an end. The year I had decided to take when I left FireEye is ending mid November.

The time I had to plan whether I wanted to start my own business is also coming to an end without much of a resolution in that department. I may start looking for help in forming the idea and seeing how feasible it is to do so.

I'm applying for a scholarship at a Program Management school and I have an interview with them tomorrow (9/29) which was completely different to what I want and am looking for (Oh well...)

I just got the news that Google wants me for an interview for a contract position I applied for in a whim (training coordinator) on Tuesday (9/30). Should know if I make it to an on-campus interview by the end of the week.

This comes at the perfect time both professionally and personally

I'm single again and this time, for the first time in a while, I don't feel guilty or angry about it. There were enough half truths and outright lies to make me damn glad to leave the relationship.

Relationships in general are at the sucky stage right now. I'm barely talking to my mom and I don't feel bad about it. I don't have to put up with the do as I say not as I do attitude

From FB conversation with Alex:


One clue: being driven by expectations will almost always lead to disappointment. Why? Because it is not based on what life is, but on what we want life to be. For example, expectation, which is based in the mind, is often rooted in the ego-driven ambition to get something, such as enlightenment, or, at very least, to feel differently, namely calm, free from fear, or to appear wise. Sometimes practice may, in part, meet our expectations and thereby reinforce them. But when practice doesn’t meet our expectations—that is, when we don’t get what we want—we experience disappointment.

While expectation is based in the mind, we can say that aspiration is based in the heart, or in our essential nature. Aspiration has been described as our true nature striving to reveal itself. In other words, it can be seen as an inherent movement toward who we truly are, like an acorn becoming an oak tree. Conversely, the efforts of expectation are often characterized by ambition, neediness, and fear. The effort of aspiration is softer, not as driven by results as by the inner impulse to live more genuinely.

** His comment **

Part of it also is knowing your limits. I would reverse your definitions- expectation is when you know what it takes and what you want and how you can get there with an additional baseline of systemic risk and all the other crazy stuff in life. Aspiration is what you dream of pursuit - like stretch goals. Expectations are just the goals. Thoughts ?

** My answer **

to me this resonated because it rung true as is.

We live in a constant stream of expectations both our own and others. We should be making this much, in this kind of job in this company, we should be at this point in career, this many children, this much money, not so much stress at work, better this, better that. but no matter how much we intellectually know that we should or shouldn't do our expectations still get the best of us.

Aspirations is what we dream of, beyond expectations, and mostly beyond our own expectations. Some radical type of change that will have long-lasting effects on your own life and the life of others. We aspire to greatenes but expect the status quo, we aspire to the fulfillment of big dreams but expect another day at the office doing the same mind numbing job at the same boring company.

The real challenge is knowing when you're facing which

Another realization is a combination of this quote:

"You never conquer the mountain, You only conquer yourself."
-- Jim Whitaker

And the Serenity Prayer

Grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change,

The courage to change the things I can

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Letting go has never been easy for me and I don't think it will never get easier and perhaps it's not meant to... Perhaps the Gardner quote is more relevant than ever.

The things you learn in maturity aren't simple things such as acquiring information and skills. You learn not to engage in self-destructive behavior. You leant not to burn up energy in anxiety. You discover how to manage your tensions, if you have any, which you do. You learn that self-pity and resentment are among the most toxic of drugs. You find that the world loves talent, but pays off on character.

You come to understand that most people are neither for you nor against you, they are thinking about themselves. You learn that no matter how hard you try to please, some people in this world are not going to love you, a lesson that is at first troubling and then really quite relaxing.