Megan left me floored and allowed me to start a different path towards understanding and grieving for my dad and allowing others to do the same thing for their pain. There were too many things that hit too close to home to be fully comfortable writing about them. But that doesn't take away the learning that happened.
MESSAGES ABOUT YOUR OWN PAIN:
- What do you do with raw emotion that will never go away?
- We are all overwhelmed with things that don’t have a happy ending
- There are things that can’t be fixed, and that’s OK
I'm starting to realize that no matter how long I live there are things that will never fully heal and that part of the process is learning to live with them and that, whether we accept it or not, these events we can't change shaped (and continue to shape) me.
I have to keep reminding myself that there wasn't anything I could have done about my dad and his drinking and his shutting himself from the world around him. And, even in the worst times, he made his choices and I made mine... not saying either of our choices were good or bad. We made the best choices we could with the information we have available at the time.
And not all pain is bad. If nothing else dad and his passing has taught me a lot about letting go... I still suck at it but at least now I understand how toxic is to keep things bottled inside
MESSAGES ABOUT OTHER'S PAIN
The biggest thing I've learned is to listen and just be there, no judgement and no criticism.
- When you try to fix someone’s pain, you don’t make it better
- Just tell them it’s OK to talk about their pain
- Pain deserves acknowledgement, not repair
- The path of bearing witness is the true path of love
- When you bear witness, everything is welcomed
- Hear someone’s pain and let them have it
- Bearing witness to someone’s pain is an act of risk
- How to bear witness:
1. Notice: Notice your impulse to help
2. Pause: Let people tell their own truth
3. Don’t Fix: Don’t fix anything
4. Bear Witness: Make space for things to suck
- You can’t fix someone’s pain by trying to take it away from them
I wrote The original bucket list in '09 and updated it early in 2010, 2011 and now in 2015. Rather than change the existing list I've decided to create a brand new version with more of who I am and where I'm at now.
It's been a while since I've looked at the list and it's surprising how little things have changed. Some of the most surprising changes is what's been taken away and not being sure of why or if I really don't want to do that anymore. While I haven't changed my mind about endurance sports I have changed my mind whether I want to do a full Ironman or not and at what point do I want to do it, if I decide I want to after all.
There have been some changes. I broke my leg in a cycling accident at the end of August. There is no way I can get back to speed quick enough to resume the training at the volume and intensity needed to complete Arizona (hell, my teammates in Georgia have completed 5 century rides in the last month!) but it happened for a reason. I have multiple plans for recovery and what will I do if I can't make an Ironman (or Iron Distance race as the case may be) for 2012 🙂
The original bucket list was written in '09 and updated early in 2010. Rather than change the existing list I've decided to create a brand new version with more of who I am and where I'm at now.
- Scuba Diving
- Basic license
- Underwater photography
- Whatever license you need to get to be able to explore submerged wrecks
- Dive Master
- Diving Instructor
- Vegas for one of Armin's residences
- Attend one Tiësto concert anywhere in the world
- Learn to play piano
- Driver’s license
- Buy a car
- Travel with a purpose
- Chile to do Ironman Pucón and to do family patching
- Australia to dive the great reef
- Basque Country
- Eastern Europe / Russia
- Hawaii to enjoy at least a week there
- Go to Gencon, origins, Kublacon and Games Day at least every other year
- Learn to Swing dance and Tango
- Work back into Naginata
- Train in Kyudo
- Run the bulls before it's outlawed
- Long distance swim
- BB to GGB?
- Ironman (Vineman? When?)
- The San Diego Triathlon Challenge, sponsored by the Challenged Athletes Foundation
- Save enough money that I can do all of these things