This touched a nerve

God, this feels so much like me in Jr. High and Highschool

An explainer for those of you who didn't know me through my school years. My last 2 years my dad took my mom's place in the school, but I don't think many of my high school teachers made the connection between the two Carlos Araya at the same school.

for 10 of the 12 years of school education my mom taught in the same school I attended.

Particularly from Jr. High on, I knew all my teachers not just as my teachers but also as my mom's friends.

To my knowledge, they didn't treat me any differently and gave me no special treatment because of who my mom was. I also want to think that I did nothing to ask for special treatment.

But try to tell that to little shits who think that because they didn't get an A, then whoever did better than they did must have cheated to get there. It used to bother me a lot and I don't think my mom understood what was the feeling and what caused it and how to deal with the results and the consequences. I not only had to do better than the little shits I grew up with but I also had to do it cleanly and beyond any kind of reproach.

And it stayed with me... and it's still here. There is a reason why I'm so critical and, to people in the outside, so harsh on myself. Whatever I do I have to do as well, if not better, than the people around me. That's what has driven me and what continues to drive me, sometimes to absurd extremes.

Dad, 2018

Can't believe it's already been 15 years... I still have that day etched in my memory and I'm starting to be ok with it... I'm starting to understand what happened. I can't accept that your demons took you away from me (even though we were never really close or together) and I was too proud to reach out when (unknown to me) it really mattered. I don't think that'll ever go away and I'm starting to fully come to term with it.

Look what I found... pictures of you in high school... in California.

California, 1963 or '64

But really, president of the French club? And Spanish?

California, 1963 or '64

I've learned over the years how hard it is to live on your terms but how essential it is to do so.