Trust30: Worthwile Day

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could

What is one thing you can do that would make today worthwhile? What’s stopping you from getting started right now?

(Author: Jessica Dang)

I would like to tell my friends how much they mean to me right now. How much I've enjoyed our times together and how much I look forward to more times together.

Geography is what's stopping me... I want to be in a place I can take refuge and charge batteries before I flip the bird and start making my own terms to live life.

We'll see how things start to work when I fly back home in August for Kelley and Peter's wedding 😀


Palo Alto High School Baccalaureate Speech 6/11/95
by Guy Kawasaki

Speaking to you today marks a milestone in my life. I am 40 years old. 22 years ago, when I was in your seat, I never, ever thought I would be 40 years old.

The implications of being your speaker frightens me. For one thing, when a 40 year old geezer spoke at my baccalaureate ceremony, he was about the last person I’d believe. I have no intention of giving you the boring speech that you are dreading. This speech will be short, sweet, and not boring.

I am going to talk about hindsights today. Hindsights that I’ve accumulated in the 20 years from where you are to where I am. Don’t blindly believe me. Don’t take what I say as “truth.” Just listen. Perhaps my experience can help you out a tiny bit.

I will present them ala David Letterman. Yes, 40-year old people can still stay up past 11.

#10: Live off your parents as long as possible.

When I spoke at this ceremony two years ago, this was the most popular hindsight-except from the point of view of the parents. Thus, I knew I was on the right track.

I was a diligent Oriental in high school and college. I took college-level classes and earned college-level credits. I rushed through college in 3 1/2 years. I never traveled or took time off because I thought it wouldn’t prepare me for work and it would delay my graduation.

Frankly, I blew it.

You are going to work the rest of your lives, so don’t be in a rush to start. Stretch out your college education. Now is the time to suck life into your lungs-before you have a mortgage, kids, and car payments. Take whole semesters off to travel overseas. Take jobs and internships that pay less money or no money. Investigate your passions on your parent’s
nickel. Or dime. Or quarter. Or dollar. Your goal should be to extend college to at least six years.

Delay, as long as possible, the inevitable entry into the workplace and a lifetime of servitude to bozos who know less than you do, but who make more money. Also, you shouldn’t deprive your parents of the pleasure of supporting you.

#9 Pursue joy, not happiness.

This is probably the hardest lesson of all to learn. It probably seems to you that the goal in life is to be “happy.” Oh, you maybe have to sacrifice and study and work hard, but, by and large, happiness should be predictable.

Nice house. Nice car. Nice material things.

Take my word for it, happiness is temporary and fleeting. Joy, by contrast, is unpredictable. It comes from pursuing interests and passions that do not obviously result in happiness.

Pursuing joy, not happiness will translate into one thing over the next few years for you: Study what you love. This may also not be popular with parents. When I went to college, I was “marketing driven.” It’s also an Oriental thing.

I looked at what fields had the greatest job opportunities and prepared myself for them. This was brain dead. There are so many ways to make a living in the world, it doesn’t matter that you’ve taken all the “right” courses. I think only one person on the original Macintosh team had a classic “computer science” degree.

You parents have a responsibility in this area. Don’t force your kids to follow in your footsteps or to live your dreams. My father was a senator in Hawaii. His dream was to be a lawyer, but he only had a high school education. He wanted me to be a lawyer.

For him, I went to law school. For me, I quit after two weeks. I view this a terrific validation of my inherent intelligence.

#8: Challenge the known and embrace the unknown.

One of the biggest mistakes you can make in life is to accept the known and resist the unknown. You should, in fact, do exactly the opposite: challenge the known and embrace the unknown.

Let me tell you a short story about ice. In the late 1800s there was a thriving ice industry in the Northeast. Companies would cut blocks of ice from frozen lakes and ponds and sell them around the world. The largest single shipment was 200 tons that was shipped to India. 100 tons got there un-melted, but this was enough to make a profit.

These ice harvesters, however, were put out of business by companies that invented mechanical ice makers. It was no longer necessary to cut and ship ice because companies could make it in any city during any season.

These ice makers, however, were put out of business by refrigerator companies. If it was convenient to make ice at a manufacturing plant, imagine how much better it was to make ice and create cold storage in everyone’s home.

You would think that the ice harvesters would see the advantages of ice making and adopt this technology. However, all they could think about was the known: better saws, better storage, better transportation.

Then you would think that the ice makers would see the advantages of refrigerators and adopt this technology. The truth is that the ice harvesters couldn’t embrace the unknown and jump their curve to the next curve.

Challenge the known and embrace the unknown, or you’ll be like the ice harvester and ice makers.

#7: Learn to speak a foreign language, play a musical instrument, and play non-contact sports.

Learn a foreign language. I studied Latin in high school because I thought it would help me increase my vocabulary. It did, but trust me when I tell you it’s very difficult to have a conversation in Latin today other than at the Vatican. And despite all my efforts, the Pope has yet to call for my advice.

Learn to play a musical instrument. My only connection to music today is that I was named after Guy Lombardo. Trust me: it’s better than being named after Guy’s brother, Carmen. Playing a musical instrument could be with me now and stay with me forever. Instead, I have to buy CDs at Tower.

I played football. I loved football. Football is macho. I was a middle Linebacker—arguably, one of the most macho position in a macho game. But you should also learn to play a non-contact sport like basketball or tennis. That is, a sport you can play when you’re over the hill.

It will be as difficult when you’re 40 to get twenty-two guys together in a stadium to play football as it is to have a conversation in Latin, but all the people who wore cute, white tennis outfits can still play tennis.

And all the macho football players are sitting around watching television and drinking beer.

#6: Continue to learn.

Learning is a process not an event. I thought learning would be over when I got my degree. It’s not true. You should never stop learning. Indeed, it gets easier to learn once you’re out of school because it’s easier to see the relevance of why you need to learn.

You’re learning in a structured, dedicated environment right now. On your parents’ nickel. But don’t confuse school and learning. You can go to school and not learn a thing. You can also learn a tremendous amount without school.

#5: Learn to like yourself or change yourself until you can like yourself.

I know a forty year old woman who was a drug addict. She is a mother of three. She traced the start of her drug addiction to smoking dope in high school.

I’m not going to lecture you about not taking drugs. Hey, I smoked dope in high school. Unlike Bill Clinton, I inhaled. Also unlike Bill Clinton, I exhaled.

This woman told me that she started taking drugs because she hated herself when she was sober. She did not like drugs so much as much as she hated herself. Drugs were not the cause though she thought they were the solution.

She turned her life around only after she
realized that she was in a downward spiral. Fix your problem. Fix your life. Then you won’t need to take drugs. Drugs are neither the solution nor the problem.

Frankly, smoking, drugs, alcohol—and using an IBM PC—are signs of stupidity. End of discussion.

#4: Don’t get married too soon.

I got married when I was 32. That’s about the right age. Until you’re about that age, you may not know who you are. You also may not know who you’re marrying.

I don’t know one person who got married too late. I know many people who got married too young. If you do decide to get married, just keep in mind that you need to accept the person for what he or she is right now.

#3: Play to win and win to play.

Playing to win is one of the finest things you can do. It enables you to fulfill your potential. It enables you to improve the world and, conveniently, develop high expectations for everyone else too.

And what if you lose? Just make sure you lose while trying something grand. Avinash Dixit, an economics professor at Princeton, and Barry Nalebuff, an economics and management professor at the Yale School of Organization and Management, say it this way:

“If you are going to fail, you might as well fail at a difficult task.

Failure causes others to downgrade their expectations of you in the future. The seriousness of this problem depends on what you attempt.”

In its purest form, winning becomes a means, not an end, to improve yourself and your competition.

Winning is also a means to play again. The unexamined life may not be worth living, but the unlived life is not worth examining. The rewards of winning—money, power, satisfaction, and self-confidence—should not be squandered.

Thus, in addition to playing to win, you have a second, more important obligation: To compete again to the depth and breadth and height that your soul can reach. Ultimately, your greatest competition is yourself.

#2: Obey the absolutes.

Playing to win, however, does not mean playing dirty. As you grow older and older, you will find that things change from absolute to relative. When you were very young, it was absolutely wrong to lie, cheat, or steal. As you get older, and particularly when you enter the workforce, you will be tempted by the “system” to think in relative terms. “I made more money.” “I have a nicer car.” “I went on a better vacation.”

Worse, “I didn’t cheat as much on my taxes as my partner.” “I just have a few drinks. I don’t take cocaine.” “I don’t pad my expense reports as much as others.”

This is completely wrong. Preserve and obey the absolutes as much as you can. If you never lie, cheat, or steal, you will never have to remember who you lied to, how you cheated, and what you stole.

There absolutely are absolute rights and wrongs.

#1: Enjoy your family and friends before they are gone.

This is the most important hindsight. It doesn’t need much explanation. I’ll just repeat it: Enjoy your family and friends before they are gone.

Nothing-not money, power, or fame-can replace your family and friends or bring them back once they are gone. Our greatest joy has been our baby, and I predict that children will bring you the greatest joy in your lives—especially if they graduate from college in four years.

And now, I’m going to give you one extra hindsight because I’ve probably cost your parents thousands of dollars today. It’s something that I hate to admit too.

By and large, the older you get, the more you’re going to realize that your parents were right. More and more—until finally, you become your parents. I know you’re all saying, “Yeah, right.” Mark my words.

Remember these ten things: if just one of them helps you helps just one of you, this speech will have been a success:

#10: Live off your parents as long as possible.
#9 Pursue joy, not happiness.
#8: Challenge the known and embrace the unknown.
#7: Learn to speak a foreign language, play a musical instrument, and play non-contact sports.
#6: Continue to learn.
#5: Learn to like yourself or change yourself until you can like yourself.
#4: Don’t get married too soon.
#3: Play to win and win to play.
#2: Obey the absolutes.
#1: Enjoy your family and friends before they are gone.

80% packed, 50% sad, 50% happy and 100% depressed

Prime Mover
Rush (Hold your fire)

Basic elemental
Instinct to survive
Stirs the higher passions
Thrill to be alive

Alternating currents
In a tidewater surge
Rational resistance
To an unwise urge
anything can happen

From the point of conception
To the moment of Truth
At the point of surrender
To the burden of proof

From the point of ignition
To the final drive
The point of the journey
Is not to arrive
anything can happen

Basic temperamental
Filters on our eyes
Alter our perceptions
Lenses polarize

Alternating currents
Force a show of hands
Rational responses
Force a change of plans
anything can happen

From a point on the compass
To magnetic north
The point of the needle
Moving back and forth

From the point of entry --
Until the candle is burned
The point of departure
Is not to return
anything can happen

I set the wheels in motion
turn up all the machines
activate the programs
and run behind the scene

I set the clouds in motion
turn up light and sound
activate the window
and watch the world go 'round --

anything can happen

I guess mom figured out how to solve my problem. I'll be officially moving back to the bay area in the later half of July.

I wanted to think I could make enough money working odd jobs to be able to stay here in a smaller apartment. it just wasn't going to work out and we both knew it... and with the new apartment and shit I can't really expect my mom to bail me whenever I need to.

If this past almost month has taught me anything is to prioritize and not to neglect any aspect of my life because I deem others more important. One of the things that has been bugging me is my problem with relationships, the commitment I made to work when I started at SJSU back in '98, how the void I feel hasn't got any smaller because I can't really commit to a relationship and whether it's fair to drag someone down the path I want to take just because that's where I'm going with my life.

The lyrics above, Prime Mover by Rush, have always been my sanity checker particularly the following verse has kept my mind somewhat at ease through the rough spots over the years:

From the point of ignition
To the final drive
The point of the journey
Is not to arrive
anything can happen

The main thing to keep in mind is that, no matter what happened in the past, you can't let it dictate your future and the way you live life. Accept that as much of a control freak as you are there are things you can't control and when that happens you must move on and deny those who screwed you up the satisfaction of seeing you down, not that they would care one way or another but it's also a matter of pride for me to demonstrate that despite the surprise and despite how much I think what they did sucks I can and will move on.... The cliche "whatever doesn't kill me only makes me stronger" seems appropriate for this situation, doesn't it?

I have 2, maybe 3, applications out in the open: One in Georgia, one in San Bernardino (done in a whim), and maybe one in Sacramento (don't know if I want to do that as it requires programming again)

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

Reinhold Niebuhr

The hardest stuff to do is to let go of those people who have really meant something to you while in Chico.... Some of them have been a real treat to get to know and work with. When I met Cris, my grad school advisor yesterday it was teary for me at the end.

The hardest part of deciding what to do is to actually commit to a course of action. Once you do that, the rest is (relatively) easy

I talked to the hiring manager for the position at Sac State. There is little to no programming and the training part is negotiable (go for broke and then let him negotiate you down ;-)) As far as I'm concerned there is no real reason not to apply and see what happens....

Howie Day

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
But I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find, you and I collide
I'm quiet, you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know
I'm always on your mind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
You somehow find, you and I collide
Don't stop here
I've lost my place
I'm close behind
Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find, you and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

What the fuck is going on?

3 people who influenced me in different ways and for many different reasons




  • Penny Peterson is a friend from the CSU system (she worked in Long Beach)  who taught me a lot as to how to pursue something and never give up, never surrender if the cause you're fighting for is fair.... Damn, I'm going to miss her.


The world does seem a little darker this time around.

Wish I could write a story like this (1)

Fair Winds and Following Seas

JAG Series Finale

General Creswell announced creation of Joint Legal Service Center Southwest & M commandant of the unit. H appointed Force Judge Advocate Naval Forces Europe, headquartered in London England, a Captain Billet and immediate frocking. 2 Days travel and 4 days proceed time. Harm & Mac looked at each other stunned!

Everyone (nearly) vies for selection by either Harm or Mac who are supposed to choose their own staff - and all JAG employees are fair game! Mac "psychically" said they will be 5489 miles and 10.5 hrs flying time apart. Coates wanted to "stay the same" until coaxed by Vuckovic to be "adventuresome." Turner congratulated Harm on making captain & his appointment. Surprised, Harm said "It sounds like you mean it"; then "you were qualified too." Turner replied "the captain's board didn't think so. But perhaps I'll be JAG after you." Mac sublet her apt to Vereese, who was moving to DC to see how it worked out with Turner. Bud commented that the Harm's new position is a "straight shot into JAG" then fumbled when Cresswell advised he "didn't plan on retiring anytime soon." Harm told Mattie he "wouldn't go anywhere without her" & Tom isn't contesting custody.

Harm asked Bud to go to London with him as "Assistant Force Judge Advocate!" (wow). He excitedly accepted saying Harriet would be fine w/ it. Then Mac asked Bud to come w/ her as a "Blue Suit XO" & he said that he had already accepted Harm's offer. BUT- Harriet was NOT happy at all! She jumped on Bud then wangled him to back down! Then Bud told Harm that it was HIS decision to "stay put." Harriet had lunch w/ Mac & explained ("Bud's not to know") that he "still needs monitoring" (just like her controlling mother!) Harm observed "once Harriet makes up Bud's mind for him then that's pretty much it!" Cresswell asked Mikey what the "set to" was that he had with his daughter Cammie. Mikey said he was in the right but they worked out their differences & she would make a great lawyer - "She has a way of interpreting the rules to her advantage, bending the facts." Cresswell told him that when it came to his daughter he had "rules of engagement, do you get my meaning?" Mikey tried to talk to Bud about loving Cammie but he said "you can't!" "You crazy?" - "fall OUT of love!" - then refused to talk to him about it. Mikey then asked Harm who said "are you crazy?" then: "talk to Cammie, & explain your feelings openly and honestly" (interesting coming from H).

Vuckovic asked Mac for San Diego as well but was turned down flatly. "You are not the kind of lawyer that I want on my staff - period." He argued with her throwing up her mistake w/ Farrow so Mac threw him out of her office. Then Cresswell assigned Vuckovic to marine corps recruiting depot at Paris Island to handle a recruit twice found muddy outside barracks having been in swamp to "kill the enemy." Vuckovic questioned why he had to go & Cresswell bristled "The general asked me and I agreed!" Recruit Walter Evans, 16 y/o, falsified a birth certificate, HS diploma & mothers signature to join Marines. His mother told V that "she was loosing him." After his father was killed in Afghanistan Walter withdrew, became obsessed & ran away. She put out an amber alert. He refused to go home w/ her. Vuckovic called Cresswell for advice who said "think out of the box, that's your specialty" & hung up on him! The Gen held an award ceremony (not Vuckovic's idea) for Walter stating he "knew his father Sgt Maj Silers Evans, how proud he was, etc." then made Walter an "honorary marine" & ordered him to go home w/ mother & "come back when ready." Vuckovic didn't know that Gen knew Siler; "didn't want it known, that's why I asked for JAG." Vuckovic counseled mrs Evans to seek "stress help" & told of his childhood: Father died when 15 y/o. tried church, street gangs, booze, girls. Too much for mom so sent to live w/ uncle. "He told me things I didn't know about my dad - things mom didn't want to talk about him. That got me better."

AND Mac & Harm FINALLY, ACTUALLY TALKED! Through many 'flashbacks' they gave insight to their unusual emotional dillema.

H- "I forgot how beautiful you are."

M- "You resigned your commission, came 5,000 miles to find me and were nearly killed. Why?

H- "I think you know why."

H- "Five years from this moment, if neither are in a relationship we'll go halves on a kid." Then it showed them kissing @ M & Brum's engagement party!

M- "Eternity, is that how long we're going to wait? You still can't let go can you?

H- "not yet"

M- "you're just this way with me aren't you?"

H- "Yes, just you"

H- "If you want to have a baby in the future, the offer still holds. We could do it together like we planned."

M- "Cmdr Rabb is the kind of man I would want for my child."

M- "So much more to talk about than just W"

H- "then when you're ready let me know."

FINALLY M came to Hs apartment the very night before their departure!

M- "Lets talk about you and me, neither of us wants to be the first to say goodbye."

H- "I don't think that I'll ever feel about anyone else the way I feel about you."

M- "That's flattering, but don't tell that to your future wife, whoever she may be, she won't understand."

H- "Do YOU understand?"

M- "No, I don't understand why we can't make it work, why we've let FATE decide our futures."

H- asked Mac what it was of all men that attracted her?

M- "They wanted me & they let me know it."

H- "I wanted you & you knew it."

M- "No woman wants to be a mind reader. With you there are always complications, another woman, work, searching for your father."

H- "That's all past. We've got 12 hours."

M- "Is it, we've had 9 years."

H- "I guess maybe I've just needed a deadline."

M- "Well you've got one now sailor boy!" After kissing, M-"Are you proposing?"

H- "Yes, I’m proposing. Let's get married."

M- "This has always been the 500# gorilla in the room. If we get married, one of us has to give up our navy career."

H- "I love you. I don't want to give up my navy career & you don't want to give up the Marine Corps.

H- "Do you believe in fate?"

M- "Fate put us together, sort of."

H- "Fate could keep us together forever."

They invited Turner, Coates, Harriet, Bud, & Cresswell to McMurphy's Tavern (where all important events have taken place) to announce their engagement. Co felt she needed to lie to Cr to get him there. They explained their impending marriage and their dilemma about neither wanting to give up their career. Then H said "We've decided to let fate decide." B showed the "JAG coin" that Adm Chegwidden gave him when he retired. The "future bride" called - "tails" (the same as she always has in the past & lost). B flipped the coin into the air and it turned into slow motion. The scen
e froze w/ everyone looking up at the coin which showed "JAG - Judge Advocate General 1995 - 2005" (on the "tails" side.)

How I'm feeling

Remember the name
Fort Minor featuring Styles from Beyond

You ready?! Let's go!
Yeah, for those of you that want to know what we're all about
It's like this y'all (c'mon!)

This is ten percent luck, twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure, fifty percent pain
And a hundred percent reason to remember the name!

Mike! - He doesn't need his name up in lights
He just wants to be heard whether it's the beat or the mic
He feels so unlike everybody else, alone
In spite of the fact that some people still think that they know him
But fuck em, he knows the code
It's not about the salary
It's all about reality and making some noise
Making the story - making sure his clique stays up
That means when he puts it down Tak's picking it up! Let's go!

Who the hell is he anyway?
He never really talks much
Never concerned with status but still leaving them star struck
Humbled through opportunities given despite the fact
That many misjudge him because he makes a living from writing raps
Put it together himself, now the picture connects
Never asking for someone's help, or to get some respect
He's only focused on what he wrote, his will is beyond reach
And now it all unfolds, the skill of an artist

This is twenty percent skill
Eighty percent fear
Be a hundred percent clear cause Ryu is ill
Who would've thought that he'd be the one to set the west in flames
And I heard him wreck it with The Crystal Method, "Name Of The Game"
Came back dropped Megadef, took em to church
I like bleach man, why you had the stupidest verse?
This dude is the truth, now everybody's giving him guest spots
His stock's through the roof I heard he's fuckin' with S. Dot!


They call him Ryu, he's sick
And he's spitting fire
And mike got him out the dryer he's hot
Found him in Fort Minor with Tak
What a fuckin' nihilist porcupine
He's a prick, he's a cock
The type woman want to be with, and rappers hope he get shot
Eight years in the making, patiently waiting to blow
Now the record with Shinoda's taking over the globe
He's got a partner in crime, his shit is equally dope
You wont believe the kind of shit that comes out of this kid's throat

Tak! - He's not your everyday on the block
He knows how to work with what he's got
Making his way to the top
He often gets a comment on his name
People keep asking him was it given at birth
Or does it stand for an acronym?
No he's living proof, got him rocking the booth
He'll get you buzzing quicker than a shot of vodka with juice
Him and his crew are known around as one of the best
Dedicated to what they do and give a hundred percent

Forget Mike - Nobody really knows how or why he works so hard
It seems like he's never got time
Because he writes every note and he writes every line
And I've seen him at work when that light goes on in his mind
It's like a design is written in his head every time
Before he even touches a key or speaks in a rhyme
And those motherfuckers he runs with,
The kids that he signed?
Ridiculous, without even trying,
How do they do it?!

[Chorus - repeat 2x]

[Outro - Mike Shinoda:]
Yeah! Fort Minor
M. Shinoda - Styles of Beyond
Ryu! Takbir! Machine Shop!

Balance between darkness and light

The easiest thing to do is to allow pity to swallow you and let yourself become depressed and let yourself dwell on what happened. As tempting as it is, I can't do that.... It'd be the easiest path to follow, true, but it would also be the easiest way to destroy any hope I have for a long and happy professional life.

"Nothing worth the effort comes without pain." If anything, that's what I got to keep reminding myself and what I have to continue working on.  I have plans and this is only a small setback in the great scheme of life, Chico was always meant as a temporary step while I figured out what was it I wanted to do, right? Well, now I have mostly figured out what is it I want to do so pursue it... follow your heart, the rest of you can't be far behind.

One of the benefits of TTIX is that I have a much better prospect of getting the kind of job that I am really looking for. If I put my chances at 1 in 50 of getting the kind of job I like, now I'd say we're 1 in 10 or maybe even 1 in 5 :-D.  There's also been a lot of (re)learning what is it that I've trained and struggled to maintain for the past 10 years.

To put it succinctly, I am a facilitator whose task is to help learners (faculty, staff or students) interact with the information in a way that is beneficial to them, that helps them learn and facilitates further acquisition of knowledge.

I think that one of the things I have to work on is conveying that to to people who are skeptic and who, like what I recently found out, don't want me to do what I trained to do. That's fine but keep the rules clear and let all the players know when the rules change, for better or worse.

Compromise versus Values and Honesty

Do or do not. There is no try

Yoda -- Empire Strikes Back

As I listened to the accessibility session from SXSW (and the guy who put together the session ought to be given an award) I am reminded of two scenes from the original Star Wars trilogy, both of them with Luke and Yoda: One where Luke is learning what it means to be a Jedi and the other one in the second Death Star's throne room where Luke turns down Palpatine's offer for absolute power and domination over the Galaxy in exchange for killing his father.  This has always begged the question: What are you willing to compromise to get what you want?




  • Accessibility Session from SXSW 2007 (strong Star Wars flavor)
  • Linkin Park Selection
  • 80's Rock Selection
  • Marie Digby


  • Spook Country -- William Gibson
  • Shadow Command -- Dale Brown


  • Traveling back to Chico
  • Planning on what's next and how to get there


  • Appleseed
  • Appleseed Ex-Machina

Challenges are unrealized opportunities

Fleetwood Mac (Rumors)

Now here you go again
You say you want your freedom
Well who am I to keep you down
Its only right that you should
Play the way you feel it
But listen carefully to the sound
Of your loneliness
Like a heartbeat.. drives you mad
In the stillness of remembering what you had
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost

Thunder only happens when its raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say... women... they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean... you'll know

Now here I go again, I see the crystal visions
I keep my visions to myself
Its only me
Who wants to wrap around your dreams and...
Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?
Dreams of loneliness...
Like a heartbeat... drives you mad...
In the stillness of remembering what you had...
And what you lost...
And what you had...
And what you lost

Thunder only happens when its raining
Players only love you when they're playing
Say... women... they will come and they will go
When the rain washes you clean... you'll know

I bitched enough about what happened, now to wear my thinking hat rather than my feeling hat and work out plans and get ready for the really hardcore job hunting and definition.

Admission/realization/learning experience #1: I stayed in Chico too long 
Yes, this is the rehash of my kicking myself for not having trusted my instincts, not once but twice.  I went in to my meeting with Kathy with a sense of dread that was only confirmed with what happened.  Trust your instincts  for they have yet to let you down

Admission/realization/learning experience #2: I let others define who I was and what I did
Both in my personal world and in my professional life I've allowed others to define who I am and what I can and cannot do. While professionally it may be ok to let others define you (you may not have a choice in terms of where do the people who cut the pay checks want you to go) the least you can expect is to have an input about it, even if it goes against what you want.

Admission/realization/learning experience #3: I took a job even though I knew it wasn't a good fit for me
I knew going in that it was going to be a tough job. Bill told me when he offered me the position that it was a primarily technical job. I didn't have much choice at the time but I had a choice ever since I took the position.... Could have quit at any point. It's the dichotomies again: Comfort versus happiness; stability versus ambition

Admission/realization/learning experience #4: I hate the political game
I realize that politics are a necessary evil and that it's an essential part of every organization. I still hate the "P" word with a passion even when I realize that I can't really hide from it and be completely politically neutral but I should be able to define the level of political involvement I have in a job (see #2 above for why this is not practical or, dare I say, possible)

Defining what you want for your job

I guess it's my turn to win some or learn some

Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

    1. A job where I can exercise the skills I have or be given the chance to learn what I need in order to be successful at my job

    2. Even though I have to accept the fact that politics are unavoidable I want a job where I can define what the politics are or move away from politics altogether (and a ton of ice in the Sahara desert too while I'm at it ;-))

    3. Professional challenges that stretch what I know and motivate me to learn more in different areas
    4. Leadership challenges that put into practice what I have learned about leading a team and, more important IMO, how not to lead a team

Most of the time it's not what you know but who you know yet what you know always helps

I have reason to be a little more hopeful.  I've renewed some of my contacts and the possibilities are starting to show themselves and what they will entail.  More on this later as things evolve.... will keep the post updated

I'm also starting to feel depressed, angry and upset; I think it's starting to hit me that I was essentially fired and that it was done unprofessionally and in a very shitty way but, one way or another, it does not reflect on me 🙂

Talking to Tim also helps but it's this sad feeling will stay with for a while.... It always has stayed when a stage ends, specially when it ends abruptly like this one has.

However I've felt validated on several front by several different people who had no particular reason to offer the validation other than being honest about it. In doing so I wondered if I was doing the right thing or if I was creating unnecessary problems for myself down the road but it's not a matter of right or wrong, it's a matter of letting people know that whatever it is we shared was important enough to me to let them know that I won't be there anymore and their responses were very touching.

I have to move on... the more I dwell on what happened and how it happened the more I give power over to those who screwed me up. They may not have liked it any more than I did  yet the result is the same.... Because they decided that I wasn't who they wanted on their team I am out of a job

It's kinda funny in hindsight... I've experienced each of the three ways to leave a job: I've quit my job at San Jose State, I've been laid off from my job at CVC and I was fired from CSU, Chico (regardless of what Kathy or anyone else says, I was fired and that's how I'm taking it) and each on its own time and put together has taught me something about strength of character, about myself and about what qualities I aspire to develop as a leader and manager.

And here is something interesting, I can put myself on Kathy's shoes to a point. I can understand that there are times when the needs of the team far outweigh any one individual. I can also understand that change is not always welcome and that the best way to tell this kind of news to someone who has access to sensitive information is to do it suddenly and make sure that the person in question doesn't get the chance to damage any of the information that he has access to.

What I can't understand is the need for secrecy. If I had known 6 months or a year ago that more programming was necessary I would have adapted. I don't think I could ever write code as well as Scott, Thomas or Mark by any stretch of the imagination but if properly motivated and with enough time there is no reason why I can't learn to do it.

I can't understand why Kathy didn't change the position description to match what she saw as the real duties of the job. She saw and signed each one of my several position descriptions if she really thought that my position didn't match any of the duties she expected me to perform.  She didn't because, IMO, when I was hired I was expected to be Mr. WebCT and that's who they needed as they were getting ready to transition to VIsta; now the transition is all but over she wants someone who can do Perl, Java and Oracle for Breakfast and have production code before lunch.

There is another area. I have to come to terms with the fact that when Scott came aboard I became irrelevant... everyone looked to him for answers and that's ok, but they started ignoring me and, when he became a manager, there was even less I could do. I got slapped hard for "committing the university to a course of action" which I still don't know what it is.... There goes that secrecy shit again